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AUTHOR     OF 

THROUGH    ILLINOIS 

ON  A 

Star  Machine 


SMITH  DALRYMPLE 


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From  Pithole  to  California 

— BY — 

SMITH  DALRYMPLE 

AUTHOR  OF 

Through  Illinois  on  a  Star  Machine 

(Over  5000  copies  sold) 


JS'e  Most  Complete  Book  Ever  Offered 
to  the  Oil  Workers.    It  Contains 

Oil  Poems  and  Oil  Jokes,  Conun- 
drums, Short  Sketches,  Etc. 

Illustrated 

with  oil  towns  and  scenes,  as  the  name  implies, 
From  Pithole  to  California. 


THROUGH  ILLINOIS   ON  A  STAR  MACHINE 
sold  all  over  the  oil  country. 

FROM  PITHOLE  TO  CALIFORNIA 

sells  everywhere. 


Address  all  communications  to 

SMITH  DALRYMPLE 

Pridgeport,  Illinois 


From  Pithole  to  California 

— BY  — 

SMITH  DALRYMPLE 

JRe  Oil  Country  Poet 


GOES   FASTER    THAN    ANYTHING    EXCEPT    A 

SET  OF  INDIANA  BULL  WHEELS  OR  A 

TOOLDRESSER  GOING  OFF  TOWER. 


Nothing  like  it  outside  of  a  farm  pard 

Sent  post  paid  to  any  address  upon  receipt  of  50  cents 
WEST  OF  THE  WABASH— 4  BI^S 


Smith  Dalrgmple,  Bridgeport,  III. 

Send  Money  Order  or  Silver.    No  Stamps. 


Copyright,  1914 

— BY — 

Smith  Dalrymple 
Ail  Rights  Riffisarved. 


riy 


'W-J-^X 


The  Preface  of  this  book  will  be  omitted  as  I  had  one 
telling  the  humor,  pathos  and  exquisite  style  of  the  poems 
and  the  bright,  witty  jokes  and  cute  sayings  of  the  author 
and  then  asked  my  youngest  son  to  get  my  fountain  pen  to 
copy  it  with.  He  read  it  over  thoughtfully  and  said,  "Aw  go 
on,  you  don't  want  any  fountain  pen  for  that  stuff,  go  get 
the  shovel." 


So  kick  her  off;  she's  on  the  center. 


FROM  PITflOLE 


If  anyone  has  got  a  mouth  organ  give  us  "Columbia,  the 
Gem  of  the  Ocean." 

OKLAHOMA 

Oklahoma,  the  jam  of  creation. 
The  home  of  the  brave  Cherokee, 
The  pride  of  the  Indian  nation; 
A  v^orld  that  belongs  to  John  D. 
His  pipe  lines  entirely  surround  you; 
His  name  is  engraved  on  each  shack; 
The  oil  men  are  glad  they  have  found  you 
To  mix  with  the  red,  white  and  black. 

CHO. — We'll  run  'er  another  screw,  she  aint  out  of  gauge  any. 
When  oil  went  up  higher  and  higher. 
And  you  had  a  boom  on  fierce  and  hot, 
When  workmen  so  much  did  require, 
You  found  our  boys,  John,  on  the  spot. 
Your  drug  stores  the  coin  they  were  tilling. 
While  your  slot  machines  never  did  lack, 
For  our  boys  were  found  eager  and  willing 
To  play  on  the  red,  white  and  black. 

CHO. — Get  your  wrenches  ready,  we'll  take  this  one  off; 
There's  too  much  wearing  surface  on  it. 


8 


Vt^^M'PITHOLE 


A  r 'ILLU'"'     C  jf'    U  J!jJ 


General  View  of  Pithole  in  1865 


I  showed  one  of  these  books  to  a  boy. 
"What  is  it  for?"  he  asked. 
"To  read,  ponder,  and  digest,"  I  replied. 
He  said,  "Well,  I  don't  want  to  digest  yet." 


"Where  are  you  from?" 
"I  come  clean  from  Tionesta." 

"Well  shake  hands,  you're  the  first  man  I  ever  saw  that 
come  clean  from  there." 


TO  CALIFORNIA 


9 


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10 _. ^      I^ROM  PITgOL^ 


Can  anybody  whistle  "Turkey  in  the  Straw?"    Well,  let 
'er  go. 

Says  the  driller  to  the  toolie,  "Will  you  kick  on  the  rope?" 

Says  the  toolie  to  the  driller,  "Well  now  I  hope." 

So  he  put  her  on  the  helper  and  kicked  her  on  the  dog. 

And  took  down  the  pitman  and  let  down  the  log. 

Oh,  he  done  it  in  a  dream,  oh,  he  done  it  in  a  dream. 

He  took  out  the  follower  and  let  down  the  beam; 

Then  he  opened  up  the  throttle  and  turned  on  the  fog, 

And  away  went  the  engine  barking  like  a  dog. 


Says  the  driller  to  the  toolie,  "Will  you  give  me  a  chew?" 
Says  the  toolie  to  the  driller,  "I'll    be  hanged  if  I  do." 
Quit  smoking  cigarettes  and  drinking  Fort  Knox 
You  could  always  have  tobacco  in  your  old  tobacco  box." 
He  grabbed  up  the  bucket  and  he  washed  up  the  floor, 
Then  he  picked  up  the  file  and  he  stuck  it  in  the  door; 
He  unhooked  the  wrenches  and  threw  on  the  jack. 
And  away  went  the  forgy  handle  running  on  the  track. 


TO  CALlFOkNiA  U 


Says  the  driller  to  the  toolie,  "Will  you  dance  me  a  jig?" 

"Well,  now,  you're  a-whoopin'  if  I  tear  down  the  rig." 

So  he  picked  up  the  fiddle  that  the  contractor  stole, 

And  he  danced  the  double  shuffle  'round  the  eight  .inch  hole; 

He  danced  around  the  anvil  and  he  danced  around  the  screw, 

And  he  danced  around  the  derrick  and  the  belt  house  too; 

The  temper  on  the  bit  he  begun  for  to  draw. 

And  he  ravelled  up  a  tune  called  "Turkey  in  the  Straw." 


NATIONAL  FORMS  OF  GREETING 

English  and  American:     How  do  you  do? 

French:     How  do  you  carry  yourself? 

Italian:      How  do  you  stand? 

German:     How  do  you  find  yourself? 

Dutch:     How  do  you  fare? 

Russian:      What  do  yf)U  live  on? 

Swedish:      How  can  you? 

Chinese:     How  is  your  stomach? 

Oil  Men:      Have  you  got  anything  on  your  hip? 


i2  .FROM  PITUOLE 


CONUNDRUMS 

Why  is  a  contractor's  wife  like  a  telephone  girl? 
Because  all  she  says  is  "Hello"  and  "Goodbye." 

W4iat  cbuntry  has  the  largest  capital? 
The  Oil  Country. 

Wh^t  President  receives  the  largest  salary? 
Pi-esiddnt  of  the  Standard  Oil  Company. 

What  is  the  highest  table  you  ever  saw^? 
The  w^ater  table. 

A  farmer  raised  right  smart  of  corn,  sold  a  pile  and  had 
a  heap  left. 

How  much  do  you  reckon  he  fed  to  his  hawgs? 

Why  was  Samson  a  good  actor? 
Because  h^  bi^oiight  (4own  the  house. 

Which  is  the  strong^est  smelling  rose? 
The  negroes. 

Why  don't  the  HeVil  drink  ice  water? 
How,  in  hell,  could  he  keep  it  cool? 

What  are  the  three  noted  cities  of  the  world? 
Bingen  on  the  Rhinfe,  Albany  on  the  Hudson,  Oblong  on 
the  bum.  ^v' 

Who  owns  Canada?     Great  Britain. 

Who  owns  the  United  States?     John  D.  Rockefeller. 


TO  CALIFORNIA 13 

During  whose  administration  did  we  have  the  hardest 
times? 

The  Red  Bank  Oil  Company's. 

Where  is  the  best  place  to  go  when  you  are  broke? 
Go  to  work. 

Why  does  a  dog  turn  around  before  he  lies  down? 
Because  he  can't  do  it  afterward. 

Why  is  your  nose  like  the  Brooklyn  bridge? 
Because  there's  so  many  schooners  go  under  it. 

Why  does  a  dog  gnaw  a  bone? 

Because  he  can't  swallow  it  whole.  ob    - 

How  can  you  prevent  a  rooster  crowing  Sunaay  morning? 
Kill  the  son-of-a-gun  Saturday  night.     '  M.ai^  r 

Why  do  oil  men  always  keep  tfieir  word?' 
Because  no  one  will  take  it..         ^  ^ 

What  makes  you  think  Barnum  went  to  heaven? 

Because  he  had  the  best  show  on  earthc-  ' 

• 

If  you  were  riding  a  mule  what  f'riiit  would  you  be  the 
nearest? 

A  pear.  •        • 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  glass  of  water" and' a 
glass  of  whiskey? 
10  cents. 

What  is  the  difference  between  you  and  the  cook? 
The  cook  beats  the  steak  tender  and  you  beat  the  bar- 
tender. 

Why  is  a  street  car  like  a  woman? 

Because  if  you  miss  the  first  one  there  will  be  another 
right  along. 

Why  is  a  lady's  corset  like  a  watch  dog? 

Because  they  are  tied  up  in  the  day  and  let  out  at  night. 

What  is  a  kiss? 

A  receipt  given  by  a  lady  when  you  pay  attention  to  her. 

Why  is  a  lady's  belt  like  a  garbage  ,wagon?. 
Pecause  it  goes  around  and  gathers  the  waist, 


14 FROM  PITHOLE 

What  is  a  woman  always  looking  for  but  doesn't  wish  to 
find? 

A  hole  in  her  stocking. 

Why  (Joes  a  hen  lay  an  tgg? 
Because  she  can't  lay  a  gold  brick. 

What  is  the  difference  between  an  oil  man  and  his  wife? 
She  gofes  up  town  and  gets  her  feet  wet,  and  he  goes  down 
town  and  gets  his  nose  wet. 

What  paper  has  the  largest  circulation? 
The  cigarette  paper. 

Why  ^o  oil  men  buy  those  high  top  shoes? 
Because  they  can't  get  them  for  nothing. 

Do  immoral  women  ever  die? 

I  guess  not,  I  never  saw  a  dead  one. 

Which  is  the  best  way  to  go  to  Kansas? 
Drunk. 

What  is  real  happiness? 

Having  the  other  fellows  come  in  on  a  stormy  night  and 
tell  you  not  to  go  out. 

Why  do  drillers  quarrel    less    with    their    wives    than 
pumpers? 

They  are  at  home  less. 

Why  do  contractors  always  have  their  offices  opposite 
the  court  house? 

So  they  can  do  business  on  the  square. 

What  is  the  best  cure  for  a  girl  that  is  love  sick? 
Get  married  to  a  tool  dresser;  one    dose    is    generally 
enough. 

What  is  the  difference  between  oil  men's  lives  here  and 
hereafter? 

There  is  a  h — 1  of  a  difference. 

What  time  does  the  12:07  train  run? 
Railroad  time. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  taxicab  and  a  hack? 
About  thr^e  dollars  an  hour, 


TO  CALIFORNIA 15 

If  it  costs  twenty-five  cents  to  cross  a  ferry  boat,  and  a 
lamb,  a  duck,  a  pair  of  horses  and  a  skunk  wanted  to  cross, 
which  one  would  get  left? 

The  duck  could  cross  for  it  had  a  bill ;  the  lamb  could 
cross  for  it  had  four  quarters;  the  horses  could  cross  for  they 
had  two  bits,  but  the  skunk  couldn't  cross  for  he  only  had 
one  scent  and  that  was  a  bad  one. 

Why  is  a  grass  widow  like  a  grass  hopper? 
They  both  jump  at  the  first  chance. 

Why  is  a  lawyer  like  a  nervous  man  trying  to  sleep? 
He  will  first  lie  on  one  side  and  then  on  the  other. 

What  letter  can  a  driller  say  the  easiest? 
Let'er  down. 

What  are  the  wages  of  sin? 
Seventy-five  dollars  a  month. 

Why  is  a  tool  dresser  passing  a  saloon  like  a  bit  going 
through  the  sand? 

Because  he  dives  and  sticks. 

What  company  builds  the  most  battleships? 
The  Star  Drilling  Machine  Co. 


16 


FROM  PITHOLE 


TO  CALIFORNIA 17 

THE  OLD  STAR  MACHINE 

Oh,  my  Grandfather  Hicks  at  the  age  of  eighty-six,  .i 

Quit  contracting  and  made  up  his  mind  to  die.  .     | 

Of  course  his  will  was  read,  and  this  is  what  it  said:  ^ 

I  leave  all  the  tools  I've  got  to  Bill  and  Si;  '      -] 

Unto  my  sister  Kate  he  left  his  real  estate, 
And  a  house  and  lot  he  left  to  Emogene. 
But  I  cussed  till  I  was  red. 
When  the  lawyer  turned  and  said, 
"He  left  for  you  the  old  Star  Machine." 

How  they  did  titter,  how  they  did  grin,  "^t*! 

Even  my  sister  and  my  little  sweetheart,  Min, 
Gave  me  the  laugh  the  worst  you  ever  seen, 
Cause  Grandfather  left  to  me  the  old  Star  Machine. 

Then  one  day  Si  and  Bill  they  started  in  to  drill. 
And  they  carried  each  a  quarter  in  the  lease; 
But  the  well  it  came  in  dry  and  it  busted  Bill  and  Si 
And  they  never  got  a  bucketful  of  grease; 
While  I  drilled  a  shallow  hole  and  cleared  a  little  roll, 
And  'I  had  another  contract  come  in  clean. 
So  to  kid  poor  Bill  and  Si, 
Unto  'em  both  says  I, 

"Don't  you  wish  you  had  the  old  Star  Machine?" 
When  I  drilled  the  third  one  in, 
I  went  and  married  Min, 
And  we  had  a  regular  old-time  Shiv-a-ree; 
And  you  bet  that  Bill  and  Si  had  a  finger  in  the  pie. 
While  I  passed  around  cigars  and  Min  the  skee ; 
Then  Bill  he  winked  his  eye  and  said  to  brother  Si, 
"I  wonder  where  he  gets  the  said  long  green?" 
So  I  flashed  a  thousand  bucks,  » 

And  I  said  "You  silly  ducks, 
Don't  you  wish  you  had  the  old  Star  Machine?" 


18 


FROM   PITHOLE 


BiRDSEYE  View  of  Cleveland,  Okla. 


Were  you  ever  in  Hot  Springs,  Arkansaw,  the  hottest 
place  Noah  ever  looked  out  of  the  Ark  an'  saw^.  I  was  only 
there  two  days  when  I  was  boiled  out.  I  saw  lots  of  people 
get  roasted,  and  one  poor  girl  got  fired.  And  talk  about 
being  familiar  ,  why  even  the  men  hold  hands  and  believe  me, 
some  of  them  hold  good  ones.  I  heard  two  girls  talking  in 
a  restaurant,  one  said,  "Say  Min,  I  saw  Jim  playing  poker 
last  night."  She  said,  ''I  don't  believe  it,  for  he  told  me 
he  never  played  poker."  The  first  one  said,  "Well,  I  know 
he  does  for  I  was  going  by  the  pool  room  last  night  and  I 
saw  him  with  a  poker  right  in  his  hand." 


TO  CALIFORNIA 19 

PETROLEUM  PROVERBS 

Money  makes  the  oil  flow. 

'  A  rolling  soak  gathers  some  mud.  r 

It's  a  long  rope  that  has  no  stem. 

Where  there's  a  well  there's  a  pay. 

It's  a  wise  guy  that  knows  his  own  jumper. 

A  toolie  and  his  wife  are  soon  parted. 

The  devil  always  finds  a  guy  for  idle  ones  to  do. 

While  there  is  life  there  is  a  rope. 

The  more  days  on  the  well  the  more  figures  on  the  check. 

One  screw  of  oil  sand  makes  the  whole  world  skin. 

You  can  give  a  toolie  water  but  you  can't  make  him  drink. 

Those  who  live  in  a  rag  house  shouldn't  throw  bones. 

A  snooze  on  a  bench  is  worth  two  in  a  bed. 

There  is  many  a  slip  'twixt  the  brake  and  trip. 

Whistling  girls  and  crowing  hens  always  come  here  from 
Vincennes. 

Never  take  one  off  tomorrow  if  it  needs  to  come  off  today 

Of  all  sad  words  beneath  the  sky, 

The  saddest  are  these:      The  boiler's  dry. 

Boxes  and  pins,  boxes  and  pins. 

When  a  man  goes  drilling  his  trouble  begins. 

''Don't  the  oil  men  begin  to  swear  earlier  than  other 
men?" 

'T  don't  know,  I  read  in  the  Bible  where  Job  cursed  the 
day  he  was  born." 


20  FROM  PITHOLE 

THE  TOOL  DRESSERS  DREAM 

He  was  sitting  on  the  counter, 

In  the  old  Oil  Well  Supply, 
He  had  listened  to  our  stories. 

And  this  was.  his  reply: 
"The  strangest  adventure  I  ever  had 

Came  to  me  one  night  in  a  dream, 
For  I  dressed  tools  one  night  in  hell, 

And  the   devil   stood  under  the  beam. 

It  was  back  in  Indiana, 

On  the  old  Geneva  Lob, 
I  had  just  come  down  from  Muricie, 

And  was  new  upon  the  job. 
It  was  'long  in  the  summer  of  '98, 

About   September  the   first, 
I  just  got  in  from  a  three  days'  drunk, 

And   I  thought  my  head  would  burst. 

I  just  came  in  from  the  boiler. 

We  were  firing  with  gas  and  wood ; 
I  had  a  show  in  the  second  guage. 

And  the  pump  was  working  good. 
We  just  finished  up  an  eight  inch  bit, 

The  first  one  I  had  dressed; 
So  I  laid  down  on  the  bellows, 

To  take  a  little  rest. 

I  had  only  been  there  a  moment, 

When  I  heard  the  driller   cry: 
"You  better  get  up  and  kick  on  that  rope. 

For  I  guess  that  boiler's  dry." 
When  I  roused  up  everything  was  dark, 

And  I  instantly  lost  all  hope; 
But  I  made  a  dash  at  the  tug  wheel, 

And  wildly  kicked  at  the  rope. 


TO  CALIFORNIA        '  21 

I  hurried  out  to  the  boiler, 

But   stumbled  and   fell  on  the  track, 
And   it   seemed   a   terrible   demon 

Was  trying  to  hold  me  back. 
I    freed   myself   in   a   moment, 

And  sprang  on  my  feet  with  a  jump, 
And  hurried  out  to  the  engine, 

And  tried  to  start  the  pump. 

I  saw  the  old  boiler  quiver, 

I   heard  a  terrible  roar, 
Then    I    knew    she    had    exploded, 

I   fell  and  I  knew  no  more. 
When  I  came  to,  everything  was  changed, 

I   stood  in  a  standard  rig, 
But   I   never  heard  of  one  before. 

Nor  saw  one  half  so  big. 

And    I    saw   a   sight   as   I   turned   around. 

That   turned   my   frame   to   stone ; 
For  an  uncouth  form  with  horns  and  tail. 

Sat  on  the   driller's  throne. 
My  heart  stood  still,  for  by  his  side. 

Was  a  three-tined  fork  so  dull  ; 
And  on  the  end  of  the  clubbing  stick. 

Was   a   ghastly   grinning   skull. 

His  two  small  eyes  were  fixed  on  me, 

And   shone   as   bright   as   stars ; 
While  a  horny  hand  like ^ a  vulture's  claws, 

Were  clasped  on  the  handle  bars. 
'Twas   then   he   spoke,  and   his   voice   was   like 

The  snarl  of  an  angry  dog; 
As  he  said,  "Get  up  and  kick  on  the  rope, 

And  go  take  down  the  log." 


22  FROM  PITHOLE 

I   flew  to  the  pitman  like  a  flash, 

It  seemed  about  a  mile; 
And  as   I   came  back  up  the  walk, 

He  met  me  with  a  smile. 
He  says,  "I'm  going  out  for  lunch, 

I  am  coming  back  here  soon, 
Just  go  in  and  set  down  on  the  lazy  bench, 

For  hell's   let  out   for  noon." 

When  he  was  gone  I  went  inside, 

And   looked   all   around  the  rig, 
I  saw  a  bottle  in  the  headache  box 

And  drained  it  at  one  swig. 
Then  the  bull  rope  opened  up  its  eye, 

And   winked   at   me   in   scorn; 
The  hurry-up   stick  run  up  the  screw, 

And  the  anvil   blew   its  horn. 

The  tools   came  marching  round  the  hole^ 

And   lined  up   round  the  track; 
The  five  foot  stick  gave  the  guage  a  kick. 

And   tripped  the   forgy   back. 
The  combination  wrench  rolled  up  its  sleeve. 

And  the  trimo  set  its  jaw; 
When  the  blower  took  the  gas  pipe  down, 

And  struck  up  "Turkey-in-the-Straw." 

The  never-slip   struck  a  merry  clip, 

As  it  waltzed  with  the  casing  pole; 
And  the  yellow  dog  barked  at  the  toolie-bird, 

As  it  flew  in  the  woodpecker's  hole. 
The  yellow  dogs  gave  a  sickly   light, 

That  shone  all   round  the  well ; 
And  I  couldn't  breathe  for  my  lungs  were  filled, 

With  a   strong  sulphuric  smell. 


TO  CALIFORNIA 23 

The  tools  flew  quickly  back  in  place, 

It  almost  took  my  breach ; 
Then  I  saw  old  Satan  coming  back, 

When  all   was   still   as   death. 
He  says,  ''You've  drank  up  all  my  booze. 

Now  you  must  lose  your  soul ;" 
So  he  tied  the  sand  line  around  my  legs 

And  let  me   down  the  hole. 

I   saw   the   bluff   and   mountain   sand, 

As  down  the  hole   I   flew, 
And  made  five  hundred   feet  of   slate, 

And   counted   every   screw. 
I   went  through  coal  and   iron  and   lime. 

As   I   sailed  down  towards  China; 
I  made  the  Kane  and  Bradford  sand. 

And    struck   the    Red    Medina. 

The  hole  was  straighter  than  a  gun. 

As  far  as   I   coulil  see; 
When  I  struck  the  Glade  and  Clarendon, 

Then  Speechley  number  three. 
Through  forty  feet  of   Bridgeport  sand. 

And  never  dressed  a  bit ; 
I  made  the  Big  Injun  and  Cow  run. 

And  struck  the  Berea  grit. 

Then  through  a  cave  of  rotten  lime, 

I   went  to  beat  the  band ; 
And  struck  the  stray  and  fifty  foot, 

And  made  the  Gordon  sand. 
You   may   talk   about   chain   lightning, 

I   had   it   skinned  a  block; 
As   I  made  the  Mississippi   Lime, 

And  struck  the  Trenton  rock. 


24 FROM   PITHOLE 

I  saw  the  bottom  coming  fast, 

And  knew  it  would  soon  be  o'er; 

I  rolled  off  from  the  bellows, 
And   landed   on   the   floor. 


■^^:=s:^^=ssss^r:i^S^^gfg^g^t^^W9S^g^ 


One  night  I  was  out  with  a  couple  of  friends.  We  all 
bet  the  drinks  that  the  first  thing  our  wives  asked  us  to  do 
when  we  got  home  we'd  do  it.  Jack  got  home  first.  He 
staggered  up  against  a  big  looking  glass  and  nearly  broke 
it.  His  wife  says,  "That's  right,  break  the  looking  glass," 
so  he  grabbed  up  a  chair  and  broke  it  all  to  smash.  Then  Jim 
got  home.  His  wife  says,  "Bring  me  a  drink  of  water."  He 
took  the  pitcher  in  the  bed  room  and  when  he  handed  her 
the  glass  he  spilt  a  few  drops  on  her.  She  says,  "Throw  it 
all  over  me,"  so  he  threw  the  whole  pitcher  full  on  her.  Then 
I  got  home.  When  I  got  to  the  head  of  the  stairs  I  stumbled. 
My  wife  says,  "Fall  down  stairs  and  break  your  cussed  neck." 
I  bought  the  drinks. 


Bill  Foote  married  one  of  old  John  Inche's  daughters 
and  it  was  written  up  in  the  paper  and  headed  "A  twelve 
inch  union," 


TO  CALIFORNIA 


25 


When  I  v/as  in  Carlyle  I  got  hoarse.  The  doctor  told 
me  to  keep  my  throat  well  rinsed  so  I  used  to  stay  up  nights 
to  rinse  it.  I  stayed  and  rinsed  it  every  night  till  tw^lv^ 
o'clock;  then  the  saloons  closed, 


26  FROM  PITUOLE 


I  asked  a  driller  how  he  got  such  a  pair  of  black  eyes. 
He  said,  "We  were  spudding  and  I  was  too  loose  and  I  went 
to  kick  her  up  a  little,  and  just  caught  it  in  the  wrong  time, 
and  any  d — n  fool  knows  the  rest." 

Mr.  Wood,  Mr.  Stone  and  Mr.  Rubber  were  walking  up 
town  when  they  passed  a  young  lady  wearing  a  harem  skirt. 
Wood  turned  to  Stone,  Stone  turned  to  Wood  and  they  both 
turned  to  Rubber, 

You  are  six  foot  four  and  your  wife  is  four  foot  six. 
How  does  she  kiss  you  good  bye?  She  don't  kiss  me  good 
bye,  she  just  looks  up,  waves  her  hand  and  says,  "So  long," 

One  night  my  little  girl  was  playing  out  in  the  damp 
air  and  caught  cold.  I  told  m/  wife  to  flush  her  face.  She 
asked  "What  has  flushed  in  the  face  got  to  do  with  damp 
air?"  I  said,  "Don't  you  know  enough  to  know  that  a  flush 
will  beat  any  dam  pair?" 

Little  Jack   Horner   sat   in  a   corner, 
Searching  an  old  union  suit; 
He  stuck  in  his  thumb 
And  pulled  out  a  crumb 
;  And  said,  "Aint  this  one  a  beaut?" 


7 


^ TO  CALIFORNIA 27 

Peter,  Peter,  pumpkin  eater, 
Had  a  wife  and  couldn't  keep  'er; 
Went  out  on  a  wild  cat  well, 
And  kept  her  at  the  best  hotel. 

There  was  a  young  man  from  Montpelier, 
He  says  to  his  girl,  "I  will  stelier," 

When  in  came  her  paw, 

And  reached  for  his  jaw,  | 

And  he  says,  "Don't  you  know  I  can  felier."  : 

A  toolie,  who  came  from  Hoboken,  ■ 

Gave  a  ring  to  a  girl  as  a  token; 

When  his  money  was  gone. 

She  put  it  in  pawn, 
And  she  said,  "I  was  only  a  jokin'." 

A  driller  who  drilled  on  a  well, 
Went  to  board  at  a  country  hotel ; 

But  his  wife  came  one  day, 

And  he  faded  away. 
And  the  reason  I'm  sure  you  could  tell. 

The  Metropolitan  police  of  St.  Louis  were  all  ready  for 
the  parade.  The  Mayor  waited  twenty  minutes  and  they  did 
not  show  up.  He  called  up  and  asked,  "What  is  detaining 
the  officers?"  The  Chief  answered  back,  "There  is  a  drunken 
tool  dresser  from  Oklahoma  down  the  street  and  wont  let 
them  go  by." 

A  friend  of  mine  went  up  to  the  livery  stable  and  asked, 
"Do  you  make  horses  here?" 

The  fellow  says,  "No,  why?'* 

He  says,  "I  saw  a  frame  standing  out  in  front." 


28 FROM  PITHOLE 

THE  MIDNIGHT  LUNCH 

Once  upon  a  midnight  dreary,  while  I  pondered,  weak  and 

v/eary. 
Over  cold  and  clammy  dishes,  that  I'd  seen  so  oft  before; 
When  on  one  dish  I  saw  a  speck  on,  aYid  it  seemed  to  me  to 

beckon, 
*'  'Tis  the  midnight  lunch,"  I  reckon,  that  I've  seen  so  oft 

before. 

Only  this  and  nothing  more. 

Ah,  distinctly  I  remember,  it  was  the  last  day  of  November, 
Or  the  first  day  of  December,  I  was  feeling  awful  sore, 
And   I  wished  that  it  was  morning,  with  a  feeling    full    of 

scorning; 
In   the   butter  flies   were   swarming,  by   the   dozens  and   the 

score; 

Countless   here   forever  more. 

What  was  that?     Pray  do  not  ask  me,  for  it  was  the  cheese 

that   passed   me, 
And  it  turned  around  and  sassed  me,  just  as  it  went  through 

the  door ; 

Then  the  eggs  began  to  scramble,  and  around  the  plate  did 
gambol, 

Tjust  sat  and  let  them  ramble,  till  they  hopped  off  on  the 
floor; 

Hopped  and  peeped  and  nothing  more. 

Then  the  beans  got  sour  and  musty,  and  the  bread  was  hard 

and  crusty. 
And  the  dishes  all  were  dusty,  and  were  nearly  coated  o'er, 
Then  the   fumes   began   to   thicken,   and   my   soul   began   to 

sicken, 

At  a  piece  of  last  spring  chicken,  that  was  cooked  three  days 
before, 

Cooked  and  left  and  nothing-  more. 


TO  CALIFORNIA 29 

Then  the  butter  it  got  stronger,  and  it    wouldn't    stay    no 

longer, 
So  I  stepped  into  the  pantry,  and  I  quickly  closed  the  door; 
Then  I  grabbed  an  empty  bottle,  and  the  butter  I  did  throttle, 
And  into  that  empty  bottle,  all  the  butter  I  did  pour, 
Corked  it  up  and  let  it  roar. 

Then  my  eyes  got  sore  and   smarted,  and   to    bed    I    soon 

departed. 
And  to  sleep  I  had  just  started,  when  a  sound  came  through 

the  door; 
'Twas  a  sound  of  awful   roaring,  and   it  almost  raised   the 

fooring, 
'Twas  the  land  lady  softly  snoring,  with  a  long   and    lasting 

roar. 

Only  this   and   nothing  more. 


C 


One  time  a  contractor  took  a  contract  for  a  wild  cat  well 
and  the  same  day  bought  a  piano  for  his  wife.  He  wrote  her 
a  letter  describing  it  to  her  as  follows:  "Golden  oak  frame 
with  two  inch  doublers,  84  feet  high,  with  calf  wheel  attach- 
ment and  Parkersburg  rig  irons,  30  horse  power  Ajax  engine 
with  lubricator  and  dope  cups,  5  inch  stem  36  feet  long  with 
I.  &  H.  joints.  Oil  Well  Supply  bits  and  big  hole  jars,  2200 
feet  of  cordage  and  ^  sand  line,  guaranteed  to  go  2000  feet 
in  60  days,  with  fuel  and  water  furnished,  at  $1.75  a  foot  and 
two  days  throwed  in  for  shooting  and  cleaning  out." 


I  started  once  to  commit  suicide;  I  bought  a  safety  razor. 


30  FROM  PITHOLE 


THE  OLD  DINNER  BUCKET 

How  dear  to  my  heart  is  the  well  that  I  worked  on, 
The  boiler,  the  engine,  the  belt  house  and  derrick, 
And  all  the  old  junk  that  the  contractor  had; 
That  smoking  old  forge  and  the  slack  tub  stood  by  it, 
Those  old  yellow  dogs  when  the  twilight  had  fell, 
But  one  thing  I  clung  to  as  fond  as  a  brother, 
That  old  dinner  bucket  I  took  to  the  well ; 
That  rusty  old  bucket,  that  musty  old  bucket. 
That  grease  covered  bucket   I  took  to  the  well. 

That  old  dinner  bucket  I  kept  as  a  treasure. 

For  oft  times  at  noon  when  leaving  the  rig, 

I  would  throw  out  the  prunes,  the  beans  and  the  coffee, 

Enough  on  one  well  to  fatten  a  pig. 

How  ardent  I  seized  that  big  chunk  of  sow-belly, 

And  down  the  big  hole  to  the  bottom  it  fell. 

Then  followed  it  up  with  a  big  piece  of  jelly 

From  that  old  dinner  bucket  I  took  to  the  well; 

That  rusty  old  bucket,  that  musty  old  bucket. 

That  grease  covered  bucket  I  took  to  the  well. 

How  sweet  was  the  cream  that  they  put  in  the  coffee. 

That  sounds  awful  good  if  it  only  was  true; 

The  crackers  and  cheese  and  a  hunk  of  bologna. 

And  a  piece  of  beefsteak  that  a  dog  couldn't  chew; 

Then  when  we  would  finish  and  leave  the  location. 

The  joy  that  we  felt  no  tongue  ever  could  tell, 

As  we  pack  up  our  suit  case  and  start  for  the  station. 

And  leave  the  old  bucket  1  took  to  the  well ; 

That  rusty  old  bucket,  that  musty  old  bucket. 

That  grease  covered  bucket   I  took  to  the  well, 


TO  CALIFORNIA 


31 


BiGHEART  OkLA.,  IN  1912 


"Who  had  the  first  live  pets?" 
"Noah." 

"No,  Solomon.  Don't  the  Bible  say  he  had  300  wives 
and  700  porcupines? 

When  I  see  the  beautiful  bunches  of  peaches  going  along 
our  streets  it  takes  me  back  to  the  immortal  Shakespeare  w^ho 
said,  "None  but  the  brave  deserve  the  fair."  And  believe  me, 
it  takes  a  brave  man  to  get  along  w^ith  one  after  he  gets  her. 


It  took  Noah  150  years  to  build  the  ark,  and  an  oil  man 
can  build  a  house  in  three  days.  The  first  day  he  builds  the 
house,  the  second  day  he  puts  in  the  lights,  the  third  day  h^ 
puts  in  the  livers.     I  guess  that's  some  pluck, 


32  FROM  PITUOLE 

THE  AKRON  STAR  MACHINE 
(A  Parody.) 

Oh  toolie,   dear,   come   listen   h^re,   the   news    that's    going 

I         'roundj 

The  standard  rig  is  used  no  more  to  drill  holes  in  the  ground. 

iNo  more  the  tug  rope  will  we  use,  the  jerk  line  can't  be 

!.:\  .  .seen,  '       '. 

iFor  they're  doing  all  the  drilling  now  with  an  Akron  Star 

|.       Machine. 

Oh,  I  met  an  old  driller  and  he  took  me  by  the  hand, 
jAnd  I  says,  how  is  the  oil  field  and  how  does  she  stand? 
She's  the  most  distressed  country  that  ever  I  have  seen, 
For  they're  doing  all  the  drilling  now  with  an  Akron  Star 
i>'     Machine. 

rhen -the:  law  can  stop  a  driller's  wife  from  wearing  high 
iieeied  shoes, 
And  make  the  toolie  hold  his  job  and   stop    his    drinking 

booze, 
Oh,  then  I'll  change  the  colors  I  wear  from  red  to  green, 
But  till  that  day  I'll  never  work  on  an  Akron  Star  Machine. 

I've  heard  whispers  of  a  country  down  on  West  Virginia 

Hills, 
Where  they've  got  no  use  for  Star  Machine  and  none  for 

Scissor-bills, 
And  it's  there  I'll  buy  my  ticket  from  the  town  of  Bowling 

Green, 
And  bid  farewell  forever  to  the  Akron  Star  Machine. 


'Where  are  you  from?" 

'Clarion  County.     Please  pass  the  apple  butter." 


TO  CALIFORNIA  33 

BALDY  GEER'S  RIDE 

Listen,  my  children,  and  you  shall  hear 
Of  the  midnight  ride  of  Baldy  Geer. 
'Twas  way  "back  yender"  in  ninety-five, 
And  Baldy  was  lucky  to  be  alive 
After  that  night,  I'll  bet  the  beer. 
He  said  to  the  toolie  at  lunch  that  night: 

"If  there's  anything  doing,  and  no  one  oat, 
I'll  get  a  rig  of  old  Bill  White, 
And  meet  you  at  half  past  nine  about; 
At  the  corner  down  by  the  old  red  po/e^, 
And  we'll  get  some  booze  to  take  on  tower; 
So  take  a  stroll  out  'cross  the  farm, 

And  turn  the  trip  on  the  old  alarm; 
They  wont  catch  on,  so  what's  the  harm?" 
A  rattle  of  wheels,  then  a  vanishing  speck; 
A  streak  in  the  moonlight,  a  cluck  to  the  mare; 
The  farmers  looked  out  and  said :     "By  heck. 
That's  some  of  them  oil  drillers  out  on  a  tear." 

That  was  all,  and  so  through  the  gloom  and  light, 
Old  Baldy  hit  her  up  that  night 
^And  proved  again,  in  his  headlong  flight, 
That  the  booze-hister's  path  always  ends  in  a  wreck. 
'Twas  eleven-ten  by  the  village  clock 
When  they  started  out  on  the  homeward  run. 

For  an  auto  coming  around  the  block. 

Just  put  an  end  to  their  harmless  fun; 

For  the  buggy  broke  and  away  went  the  mare. 

And  there  lay  Baldy  loaded  for  bear; 

Their  bo'oze  was  lost  in  that  awful  wreck. 

And  the  toolie,  he  was  filled  to  the  neck. 

You  know  the  rest — in  accounts  you  have  read 
How  the  cops  picked  Baldy  up  for  dead. 
And  his  clothes  were  torn  and  his  hat  was  lost, 
Next  morn  he  got  ten  bones  and  cost. 
So  after  this  when  you  go  for  beer 
Remember  the  fate  of  Baldy  Geer. 


^34 FROM  PITHOLE 

THE  PAY  DAY  THAT  I  LONGED  FOR  NEVER  CAME 

I  was  sitting  on  a  tank  as  I  worked  for  the  Red  Bank, 

And  I  didn't  have  a  dollar  to  my  name; 

My  shoes  had  lost  their  soles,  and  my  clothes  were  full  of 

holes, 
And  the  pay-day  that  I  longed  for  never  came. 

It  was  just  six  months  ago  since  I  have  had  any  dough. 

And   I'd   like   to   see   a   dollar   once   again; 

For  my  gloves  have  lost  their  thumbs,  and  my  shirts  are 

full  of  crumbs. 
And  the  pay-day  that  I  longed  for  never  came. 

If  Jim  Fisk  were  still  alive,  I'll  bet  you  ten  to  five, 
He'd  help  us  if  he  had  to  cross  the  Main; 
For  Chicago's  needy  poor  were  no  worse  than  us  I  am  sure, 
For  the  pay-day  that  I  longed  for  never  came. 

When  the  rumor  came  about  that  the  Red  Bank  had  sold  out, 
I  thought  the  news  would  turn  away  my  brain; 
And  I  tell  you  I  felt  tough  when  I  found  'twas  all  a  bluff. 
For  the  pay-day  that  I  longed  for  never  came. 

If  there's  such  a  place  as  hell,  I'm  sure  old  The'd  will  smell. 
And  the  devil  over  him  will  surely  reign; 
And  I  hope  that  I'll  be  there  pouring  crude  oil  on  his  hair, 
For  the  pay-day  that  I  longed  for  never  came. 


When  I  was  in  Vincennes  I  bought  a  meal  ticket  for 
six  dollars.  I  went  to  pull  a  cigar  out  of  my  pocket,  my 
meal  ticket  fell  out  and  one  of  those  miner's  with  big  hob- 
nailed shoes  on  stepped  on  it  and  punched  out  a  week's  board, 


TO  CALIFORNIA 35 

The  next  dance  on  the  program  will  be  a  song  to  the 
tune  of  "Just  When  the  Sun  Went  Down." 

Two  drillers  stood  in  a  standard  rig, 

Just  at  the  close  of  day; 

They  had  just  finished  up  on  a  wild  cat  well, 

Now  they  were  going  away. 

One  kicked  a  couple  of  big  hole  shoes. 

One  threw  a  shirt  of  brown. 

Bidding  farewell  to  the  jars  and  pipes, 

Just  as  the  sun  went  down. 

One  thought  of  a  town  in  the  gum  neck  state, 

Swift  and  lively  and  gay. 

Where  Eagle  and  Second  and  Third  streets,  too, 

Are  all  on  the  great  white  way. 

One  thought  of  a  wife  and  a  couple  of  kids. 

So  he  took  a  hike  for  town. 

But  the  other  tough  mutt  sailed  into  the  Hut 

Just  as  the  sun  went  down. 


When  I  was  a  kid  I  was  mad  because  I  couldn't  wear 
long  pants.  Now  it  makes  me  mad  because  I  have  to  wear 
them  so  long. 

It  don't  make  any  difference  if  the  driller's  work  does 
get  a  little  slack,  the  tool  dresser's  business  is  always  "pick- 
ing up." 

Every  little  driller  has  a  motion  all  his  own. 

Did  you  ever  see  the  big  hand  on  the  Goddess  of  Liberty? 
It  took  twenty  men  and  a  derrick  to  put  it  up,  and  I  know 
men  right  here  in  the  oil  country  that  can  put  up  a  big  hand, 
and  they  wouldn't  know  a  derrick  from  a  trimo  wrench. 


36 


FROM  PITHOLE 


I  was  sitting  at  a  table  with  a  young  lady.  She  said 
she  was  nearly  sick,  said  she  was  vaccinated  last  week  and 
it  was  taking  dreadfully.  I  looked  at  her  short  sleeves  and 
long,  graceful  arms  and  asked,  "Where  were  you  vaccinated?" 
She  dropped  her  eyes  and  said,  "Down  in  the  Osae:e  Dis- 
trict." 


TO  CALIFORNIA 37 

The  boy  stood  on  the  derrick  roof, 
Where  he  for  life  had  fled; 
The  pressure  from  the  gas  below 
Had  raised  the  casing  head; 
"Jump,"  cried  the  driller  from  below, 
"Jump,  sonny,  from  the  ridge!" 
"I  can't,"  he  cried,  "you  dam'd  old  fool. 
This  aint  the  Brooklyn  bridge." 

The  gas  kept  going  high  and  higher, 

The  boy  began  to  choke ; 

He  rolled  himself  a  cigarette 

And  started  in  to  smoke. 

The  gas  caught  fire  and  blazed  on  high, 

He  started  down  the  flame 

And  said,  "I  may  be  rather  slow, 

But  I  got  there  just  the  same." 


"I  went  back  east  one  time  and  found  half  the  town  sick." 
"That's  nothing,  I  went  up  from  Vincennes    once    and 
found  Bridgeport,  111." 

If  the  gas  well  supply  the  boiler  what  did  the  Oil  Well 
Supply? 

"Will  this  country  ever  be  settled?" 
"No,  but  Bartlesville." 

"Speaking  of  Oklahoma,  I've  been  in  Tulsa  two  weeks." 
"You    aint    such    a  much,    I've     been     intoxicated     two 
months." 


38  FROM  PITHOLE 


A  drunk  got  on  the  train  at  Sullivan  and  handed  the 
conductor  a  ten-dollar  bill. 

The  conductor  said,  "Where  to?" 

He  said  "To  H- 1." 

The  conductor  said,  "Get  off  at  Stoy." 


WHAT  MAKES  ALL  THE  FLIES? 

The  old  man  makes  the  gad  fly, 

The  girls  make  the  house  fly. 

The  gumneck  makes  the  tent  fly, 

The  contractor  makes  the  horse  fly, 

The  boarders  make  the  butter  fly. 

The    toolie    makes    the    blue    bottle    fly, 

And  the  driller  makes  the  bar  fly. 


Last  summer  I  got  all  run  down,  so  I  licked  up  a  fev/ 
and  went  to  French  Lick.  I  never  saw  so  many  pretty  gii  is 
in  my  Hfe.  The  doctor  told  me  to  get  around  as  much  a^ 
possible  so  the  first  day  I  got  around  some  and  that  night  I 
got  aiound  some  more.  The  next  morning  a  fellow  got  onto 
the  operating  table  and  had  his  appendix  cut  out,  and  in  the 
afternoon  I  got  on  the  roulette  table  and  had  my  meals  cut 
out. 


TO  CALIFORNIA  39 


Last  summer  Lawrenceville  had  over  100  cases  of  typhoid 
fever. 

Yes,  and  Bridgeport  had  over  500  cases  of  Hack  &  Simon. 


Happy  is  the  driller  that  stands  by  the  drill, 
The  drill  turns  around  w^ith  a  right  good  w^ill. 
One  hand  on  the  throttle,  the  other  on  the  bar, 
The  drill  turns  around  and  he  gets  the  jar. 


"Don't  you  think  the  oil  men  are  a  proud  set  of  people?" 
*T  don't  know,  I  never  sav^  Jack  Heenan  turn  up  his  nose 
at  any  one." 


Some  people  say  preachers  are  lazy  and  yet  Billy  Sun- 
day is  v^orking  all  the  time  to  beat  hell. 

At  midnight  in  his  guarded  tent, 
The  turk  lay  dreaming  of  the  hour, 
When  bing!  the  d — d  alarm  went  off, 
And  he  had  to  go  out  on  tower. 


Mary  had  a  little  lamb. 
Its   fleece   was   white   as   snoMr, 
Her    brother    had    some    high    life. 
And  the  lamb  he  sure  did  go. 


40  FROM   PITHOLE 


RIGHT  OFF  THE  REEL 

Mary  had  a  bran  new  skirt, 

'Twas  split  up  to  the  knee, 
And  everything-  was   in  good   shape, 

As  far  as  I  could  see. 

Washington  freed  the  country, 

McKinley  freed  the  wool, 
Lincoln  freed  the  niggers, 
And  Teddy  spread  the  bull. 

Oh,  why  should  the  spirit  of  oil  men  be  proud. 
When  they  know  any  moment  they're  apt  to  get  slou'd 
A  break  on  the  street,  a  yell  or  a  whoop. 
And  he  passeth  from  life  to  a  cell  in  the  coop. 

Old  Daddy  Hubbard,  he  went  out  and  rubbered. 
To  see  how  the  women  were  drest ; 
But  when  he  got  there,  their  ankles  were  bare, 
And  any  d fool  knows  the  rest. 


TO  CALIFORNIA 


41 


Parker's  Landing,  Pa. 


One  time  when  I  was  sick  the  doctor  told  me  I  would 
have  to  go  to  a  warmer  climate.  I  said,  "Where?"  He  says, 
"Oh,  some  place  that  is  awful  hot."  I  said,  "Well,  if  I  keep 
on  doctoring  with  you  I'll  go  there."  I  said  "Doc  how  about 
going  down  town?"  He  said,  "Go  anywhere  you  feel  like." 
I  said,  "I  feel  like  hell."    He  said,  "Then  go  there," 


42 FROM  PITgOLE ^ 

MAUD  MULLER 

Maud  Muller,  on  a  summer  day, 
Was  slinging  hash  in  a  swell  cafe; 

SheM  flirt  with  the  boys  along  the  street, 
And  hollered  two,  and  a  stack  of  wheat. 

One  day  as  the  Judge  was  passing  by, 
She  winked  at  him  with  a  *'goo-goo"  eye; 

Next  day  for  a  glass  he  chanced  to  stop. 
And  Maud  dished  out  some  Maltese  pop; 

And  as  he  drank  he  winked  at  Maud, 

While  she  tapped  his  arm  and  called  him  Claud. 

Then  he  gave  her  little  chin  a  chuck. 
And  slipped  her  a  nickle  just  for  luck. 

Then  she  leaned  her  head  on  his  manly  breast. 
And  took  ten  plunks  from  his  fancy  vest. 

But  the  boss  came  in  and  his  dream  was  o'er. 
And  he  wandered  out  on  the  street  once  more. 

Then  Maud  laid  off  till  half  past  eight. 
And  paid  her  room  rent  up  to  date; 

And  bought  a  skirt  of  the  "see  them"  style, 
And  the  other  girls  were  skinned  a  mile. 

The  Judge  went  out  in  his  touring  car. 
And  he  reached  in  his  vest  for  a  good  cigar. 

And  he  missed  the  ten  that  Maud  had  snatched. 
And  said  to  himself,  as  his  head  he  scratched. 

Of  all  sad  words  at  home  or  abroad. 

The  saddest  are  these :     "Her  name  was  Maud.'* 


_         TO  CALIFORNIA 43 

THE  BRANDEBERRY  WELL 

There's  a  few  simple  verses  I  am  going  to  rriark  down, 
Of  the  state  of  affairs  going  on  in  this  town; 

And  a  few  simple  verses  that  I  wish  to  tell, 

Since  I  started  to  work  on  the  Brandeberry  Well. 

I  came  here  in  August  and  got  me  a  room; 

The  town  of  Patoka  was  then  on  the  boom; 
But  I  wish  the  whole  business  had  been  shoved  into  H , 

Before  I  ever  heard  of  the  Brandeberry  Well. 

And  the  next  thing  I  done  was  to  get  me  a  wife, 
To  pester  my  feelings  and  worry  my  life; 

But  I  was  not  contented,  I  am  sorry  to  tell, 

And  I  hated  the  sight  of  the  Brandeberry  Well. 

And  the  men  who  worked  there  were  surely  a  sight. 

And  the  way  they  all  shirked  was  simply  a  fright; 

They  would  fill  up  on  whiskey  and  stand  around  and  yell. 
Till  the  people  all  soured  on  the  Brandeberry  Well. 

There  was  Curly  and  Byron  and  Smithson  and  Newt, 
And  another  young  fellow  who  sure  was  a  beaut; 
And  then  there  was  Harbin,  another  young  Swell, 

Who  filled  up  the  list  at  the  Brandeberry  Well. 

There  was  Cutter,  George  Elsie,  and  Sidner  and  Dad', 
And  five  or  six  others  who  were  just  as  bad; 

There  was  Swayze  and  Harper  and  another  named  Del, 
Were  all  with  the  crew  at  the  Brandeberry  Well. 

Now  when  I  am  gone  to  that  mansion  of  rest. 
And  sit  on  the  throne  like  a  hen  on  a  nest, 

Let  every  one  say  as  they  hear  my  death  knell, 

"He  died  of  old  age  on  the  Brandeberry  Well." 


44 FROM  PITHOLE    

"I  married  my  wife  in  a  cathedral." 

"That's  nothing-,  I  married  mine  in  a  kimono." 

If  Virginia  is  the  mother  of  Presidents,  Nebraska  must 
be  an  old  maid. 


What  makes  the  driller's  hair  turn  gray? 
What  makes  him  curse  and  swear? 
It  aint  his  kneelin  down  to  pray, 
And  it  aint  his  family  care, 

'Taint  the  everlasting  walking  on  that  everlasting  walk, 
It's  the  dam'd  insipid  toolie  with  his  dam'd  insipid  talk. 
He'll  smoke  and  chew  and  eat  and  spit, 
He  smells  most  awful  vile. 
And  he'll  lose  himself  forever. 
If  he  gets  away  a  mile; 
He'll  go  and  work  the  whok  day  long. 
And  drink  the  whole  night  through. 
But  when  it  comes  to  cussin' 
He  just  splits  himself  in  two. 
The  pumper  knows  a  quite  a  bit, 
The  roust-a-bout's  a  mule. 
The  farm  boss  he's  a  gentleman, 
The  driller  he's  a  fool. 
But  the  dam'd  insipid  toolie. 
When  all  is  said  and  done, 
Is  an  ostrich  and  camel 
And  an  orphant  child  in  one. 


TO  CALIFORNIA 45 

Two  sisters  want  washing.  (Bring  'em  out  to  the  rig 
some  night.) 

WANTED: — A  furnished  room  by  a  young  lady  with 
a  good  view  of  the  west  end. 

Neck  pieces  and  muffs  made  up  for  fashionable  young 
ladies  out  of  their  own  skins. 

Furnished  rooms  for  young  married  couples  with  wide 
piazzas  and  bay  windows. 

WANTED: — Room  by  single  man,  one  where  he  could 
have  his  wife  with  him  over  Sunday  preferred. 

LOST: — Set  of  long  stroke  jars  by  contractor  with  I. 
and  H.  joints. 

I  used  to  dress  tools  for  an  old  driller.  He  always  had 
something  for  me  to  do.  If  I  started  for  the  lazy  bench  he 
would  say,  "Scour  up  that  pin."  If  I  went  to  sit  down  on 
the  forge  he  would  say,  "Fill  up  the  yellow  dogs."  He 
never  would  let  me  sit  down  a  minute.  One  morning  just 
as  I  went  to  raise  the  lower  guage,  the  boiler  blew  up.  I 
went  3000  feet  high.  When  I  got  down  about  twenty  feet 
above  the  top  of  the  rig  I  met  him  going  up.  Just  as  I 
passed  him  he  said,  "When  you  get  down  pick  up  the  tools." 


46 FROM  PITHOLE 

THE  SCISSOR-BILL  BOARDING  HOUSE 

I  boarded  with  a  Scissor-bill, 
And  ate  her  bill-o-fare; 
I  paid  my  board  bill   every  week 
And   settled  on  the  square; 
Her   cakes   were   white   as   the    driven   snow, 
On  them  there  was  no  stain, 
I  swallowed  them  in  anguish. 
And   digested  them   in   pain. 
I  ate  her  currant  jelly, 
And  I  ate  gooseberry  jam; 
With  forty  miles  of  side  pork 
And  never  found  a  ham. 
The   butter   was   a   luxury 
She  didn't  seem  to  have. 
Except  the  apple  butter, 
We  call  it  Clarion  County  salve. 

The  midnight   lunch  was   rotten. 

And  the  buckets  they  were  bum; 

The   beds   were   always   moving, 

And  we  caught  them  as  they  come; 

We  paid  her  thirty  cents  a  meal. 

For  eating  up  her  junk, 

And  a  porcupine  would  break  its  teeth. 

If  he  tried  to  gnaw  her  punk. 

Her   sausage   it   was   awful, 

'Twas  made  of  fat  and  flies. 

And  we  tapped  our  boots  with  pie  crust 

From  those  damn'd  sole  leather  pies; 

I  would  rather  go  back  to   Parkersburg 

And   starve   among  the   hills. 

Than  to  stay  out  here   in   luxury, 

Among  these  Scissor-bills. 


TO  CALIFORNIA 47 

THE  LANDLADY'S  REPLY 

I've  been  a  keepin'  boarders,  and  the  troubles  that  I've  had 
Would  surely  make  a  preacher  swear,  or  drive  an  angel  mad ; 
They  come  along  six  weeks  ago,  all  dressed  up  neat  and  nice, 
And  wanted  me  to  take  them  in  and  never  asked  the  price; 
But  when  they  went  to  change  their  clothes  you  ought  to 

see  those   scamps, 
They  didn't  look  a  bit  the  same,  and  dirtier  than  tramps. 
They  all  came  in  to  dinner  and  I  thought  my  head  would 

split. 
For  they  had  to  splice  the  spudding  line  and   dress  a  big 

hole  bit; 
And  then  they  had  to  fill  the  forge  and  make  it  good  and 

tight, 
/  And  they  had  to  hop  right     to  it  if  they  started  up  thai- 
night; 
There  was  part  come  in  to  supper,  and  they  said  I  have  to 

take 
The  others'  suppers  to  them,  and  I  had  to  make  a  cake. 
They  got  up  some  time  in  the  night,  I  don't  know  just  the 

hour, 
And  went  right  out  to  go  to  work  and   called  it  running 

tower ; 
And  then  along  about  twelve  o'clock  they  all  come  in  a  bunch. 
And  ate  up  everything  in  sight  and  called  it  midnight  lunch; 
Then  they  sat  and  laughed  and  talked,  and  kept  us  all  awake, 
Till  I  almost  felt  like  killing  the  one  they  call  the  snake. 
He  talked  about  that  deep  stuff  and  the  lower  pay  they  found. 
And  then  that  Indiana  man  would  put  the  string  around ; 
He  always  made  the   fastest  time  and   drilled  without  the 

jars, 
And  boarded  twelve  miles  away   from  home  and  rode  on 

electric  c^rs; 


48  FROM  PITgOLE 

And  then  that  man  from  Lima  would  drill  the  Trenton  rock, 
But  the  Clarion  County  horse  thief,  he  had  them  skinned  a 

block. 
He  had  a  dozen  different  sands,  aid  all  was  hard  to  dig, 
But  he  finished  up  in  seven  days,  and  tubed  and  moved  the 

rig; 
The  toolies  they  just  sat  and  grinned  and  talked  about  the 

punk, 
And  how  much  they  spent  in  Terre  Haute  the  last  time  they 

were  drunk;  ^ 

And  then  they  told  about  their  homes,  they  had  them  fixed 

so  nice, 
But  when  they  came  to  pay  their  board  they  didn't  have  the 

price. 


It's  easy  enough  to  be  pleasant. 

With  a  lass  and  a  glass  and  a  song. 

But  the  man  worth  while  is  the  guy  who  can  smile 

When  he's  got  the  old  woman  along. 


TO  CALII^ORNIA 


49 


Tank  Farm,  Bridgeport,  III. 


A  farmer  sat  on  a  barnyard  fence, 
Screwing  up  pipe  with  a  trimo  wrench; 
The  northwest  wind,  grew  sweeter  and  sweeter, 
And  the  Ohio's  gas  blew  through  his  meter. 


The  only  thing  I  saw  on  the  square  in  Carlyle  was  the 
court  house. 


50 


FROM  PITHOLE 


THE  STAR  MACHINE 

I've  seen  the  little  dipper, 

And  I've  seen  the  milky  way; 

I've  seen  the  star  of   Bethlehem 

Just  at  the  break  of   day; 

I've   seen  the   rings  of   Saturn, 

And    I've   seen   the   planet   Mars, 

And  in  my  rambles  through  this  life 

I've  seen  most  all  the  stars. 

But  there's  one  that  shines  above  the  rest 

Of  all  the  stars   I've  seen, 

It's  the  Devil's  own  invention. 

And   it's   called   the   Star   Machine. 


TO  CALIFORNIA  51 


Fve  seen  the  stars  upon  the  stage, 

I've   seen  them  in  the   sky ; 

And  I've  seen  them  on  a  copper's  coat, 

When  *'Comin'  Thru  the   Rye." 

I've  seen  them  on  the  grand  old  rag 

That  floats  upon  the  air, 

And   one   time   in   a   free-for-all, 

I    saw   stars    everywhere; 

But  I  hope  some  day  to  be  called  away 

To   leave  this   earthly   scene, 

Where  I'll  have  to  use  a  telescope 

To   see  a  Star   Machine. 


"How  did  you  get  your  face  burned  so  badly?" 
"Well,  the  boiler  bucked  and  I  looked  in  to  see  if  it  was 
going  to  go — and  it  went." 


52 FROM  PITHOLE 

THE  TOOL  DRESSER'S  ADIEU 

The  tool  dresser  stood  by  the  boiler  door, 
Whence  all  but  him  had  fled, 

lie  watched  the  lower  guage  turn  blue, 
And  the  crown  sheet  had  turned  red  ; 

But  firm  and  steadfast  still  he  stood 
And   tried   to   start   the   pump, 

A  creature  of  heroic  blood, 

A  great,  big  awkward  chump. 

The  driller  hollered,  "Come  away, 
You   know  that   boiler's   dry. 

If  you  don't  make  your  get-away 
You'll  wake  up  in  the  sky." 

Then  came  a  burst  of  thunder  sound, 
Where   did   that   toolie   hike, 

Go  ask  yon  cloud  of  hissing  steam 
That  took  him  up  the  pike. 

The  largest  piece  they  found  of  him 

Was  not  so  very  big. 
But  ought  to  have  seen  the  overalls 

That  plastered  up  the  rig. 


TO  CALIFORNIA 53 

THE  OIL  BELT  LINE 

I've  rode  the  Katy  Flyer,  and  I've  rode  the  Cannon  Ball, 
And  in  my  travels  through  the  land  I  guess  I've  rode  them  all, 
But  of  all  the  trains  I  ever  rode  there's  only  one  for  mine. 
And  it's  called  the  Ragweed  Special  on  the  Oil  Belt  Line. 

You  can  talk  about  your  Clover  Leaf,  and  tell  how  fast  they 

come, 
The  Erie  makes  me  weary,  and  the  Big  Four's  awful  bum, 
The  B.  &  O.  is  very  slow  and  never  runs  on  time. 
But  give  me  the  Ragweed  Special  on  the  Oil  Belt  Line. 

The  'Frisco  road  aint  such  a  much,  nor  yet  the  Santa  Fe, 

I  don't  want  no  Iron  Mountain  and  no  Wabash  road  for  me; 

The  C.  H.  &  D.  does  fairly  well,  the  Booze  Train's  mighty 

fine, 
But  I'll  take  the  Ragweed  Special  on  the  Oil  Belt  Line. 

The  Twentieth  Century  Limited  is  the  fastest  train  they  say, 
They  run  from  Chicago  to  New  York  and  do  it  in  a  day ; 
But  from  Marion,  Indiana,  to  "Bingen  on  the  Rhine,"  . 
They  can't  beat  the  Ragweed  Special  on  the  Oil  Belt  Line. 

They  run  on  the  tri-weekly  plan,  it  always  makes  me  vext, 
They  run  to  Oblong  one  week  and  tri  to  get  back  the  next; 
You've  got  the  Tango,  Grizzly  Bear  and  Turkey  Trot  com- 
bine, 
If  you  ride  the  Ragweed  Special  on  the  Oil  Belt  Line. 


54 FROM  PITHOLE 

DERBY'S  CROOKED  HOLE 

My   name    is   Dalrymple,   and    I    came    from    Kinzua   Town, 
I've  traveled  this  wide  world  over,  and   I've  traveled  this 

wide  world  round; 
I've  met  with  ups  and  downs  in  life,  and  better  days   I've 

seen, 
But  I  never  knew  what  misery  was  till  I  worked  on  a  Star 

Machine. 

I  was  standing  on  the  street  one  day,  'twas  early  in  the  fall, 
My  clothes  were  getting  shabby  and  my  bank  account  was 

small ; 
When  a  gentleman  named  Derby  appeared  upon  the  scene, 
He  was  looking  for  a  toolie  to  go  on  a  Star  Machine. 

I   worked  eight   days   for  the   son-of-a-gun,  and   everything 

went  fine. 
My  heart  began  to  lighten  up  and  my  eyes  began  to  shine; 
But  when  we  started  up  again,  I  tell  you  things  went  mean, 
And  I  cussed  the  day  I  ever  set  my  eyes  on  a  Star  Machine. 

For  fifteen  days  and  nights  we  worked  and  got  a  crooked 

hole, 
I  swore  so  much  at  that  machine  I  know  I  lost  my  soul ; 
And   when   I'm   dead   and   buried   and   my  grave   is   covered 

green, 
I'll  roll  over  in  my  coffin  and  cuss  that  Star  Machine. 

We  plugged  the  hole  with  mud  and  stone,  we  plugged  it  up 

with  wood, 
We  plugged  it  up  with  everything  but  it  didn't  do  no  good; 
So  Derby  sent  Chic  Snyder  out  with  a  load  of  glycerine, 
And  he  blowed  the  crooked  hole  to  hell,  but  he  left  the  daran 

machine. 


TO  CALIFORNIA  55 

THE  BRIDGEPORT  FIRE 
Friday,  June  13,  1913. 

On  Friday,  the  thirteenth  of  June,  an  awful  thing  did  turn  up, 
A  fire  broke  out  that  afternoon,  and  tried  this  town  to  burn 
up, 
The  blacksmith  shop  was  first  to  go  and  then  the  livery  stable, 

But  Jackson  quickly  took  the  cue  and  got  out  every  table. 
The  elevator  went  up  next  and  lost  their  wheat  and  barley ; 
Then  in  a  jifif  it  took    a    whiff    and    out    went    Hamburg 
Charley; 
Dick  Lewis  ran  out  in  the  street  and  hollered  ''Heaven  save 
us!" 
And  saw  the  flame  make  one  big  scoop  and  clean  up  Junky 
Davis. 
When  Mrs.  Sutton's  room-house  went  she  thought  Old  Nick 
had  got  'er. 
With  all  the  town  just  burning  down  and  not  a  drop  of 
water. 
The  Boston  Store  went  with  a  roar  and  then  burned  J.  H. 
Mills  up; 
When  Dr.  Jones'  office  went  it  melted  all  his  pills  up. 
The  burning  brands  with  flaming  hands  soon  cleaned  out  Mr. 
Cox's, 
I  thought  about  that  Bible  piece  of  Sampson  and  the  foxes. 
The  Oil  Well  and  Jarecki,  too,  forgot  to  pay  their  rental. 
And  crossed  the  street  with  fiery    feet    to    join    the    Con- 
tinental. 


56^ FROM   PITHOLE 

Lawrence vi lie  and  Vincennes  come  as    fast    as    they    could 
whizz  'er, 
And  oil  men  came  from  miles  around  and  likewise  every 
Scissor; 
The  old  machine  shop  went  so  fast  and  everything  in  stock, 
too, 
That  all  were  beat  for  speed  and  heat  and  skinned  a  country 
,   block,  too. 
The  oil  men  fought  away  like  mad  and  never  stopped  to  tank 
up. 
And  then  the  fire  broke  through  the  roof  and  burned  the 
Bridgeport  Bank  up; 
The  fearful  heat  across  the  street  soon  took  the  old  hotel  out. 
And  then  like  grain  before  the  flail  the  Seeds  just  fairly 
fell  out. 
The  grocery  store  just  went  along  although  we  really  need  'er, 
And  then  the  fire  stopped  on  its  way  and  took  the  Bridge- 
port Leader; 
And  everybody  heaved  a  sigh  and  hope  at  last  came  to  us, 
As  the  fearful  fiend  lay  down  at  last  at  the  home  of  Dr. 
Lewis; 
And  the  only  thing  that  we  repent  which  causes  us  to  weep. 
Oh! 

Is  just  because  we  lost  the  bank  and  saved  the ! !  depot. 

"There's  no  great  loss  without  some  gain,"  this  comes  to  one 
and  all. 
But  the  only  place  where  Bridgeport  gained — we  lost  the 
City  liall. 


TO  CALIFORNIA 


57 


I  had  a  dear  brother  once  who  would  have  made  a  most 
eloquent  speaker  but  he  was  cut  down  during  his  first  speech. 
A  large  audience  had  gathered  and  he  was  waited  on  by  the 
most  prominent  men  of  the  county,  one  was  the  sheriff,  and 
after  mounting  the  platform  which  had  been  erected  for  this 
special  occasion,  he  started  to  make  an  address  when  sud- 
denly the  platform  gave  way  and  his  neck  became  entangled 
with  a  rope  and  he  was  jerked  hence  into  that  dim  futurity 
from  whose  bourne  no  traveler  returns. 


35,000  Barrel  Tank  Struck  by  Lightning 
Bridgeport,  Illinois 


58  FROM  PITHOLE 


"Way  down  on  the  Lehigh  Valley  road, 

Where  June  bugs  and  rag  weeds  grew, 

I  used  to  work  in  a  restaurant  there, 

And,  say,  'twas  a  bum  one,  too. 

I  went  with  a  guy  a  month  or  two. 

When  a  foolish  thing  I  did; 

I  went  away  for  a  couple  of  days 

And  came  back  with  a  little  kid. 

Now,  don't  commence  your  laughing, 

What  makes  you  standa  nd  grin? 

This  was  a  little  Billy, 

With  whiskers  under  his  chin. 

He  was  the  sweetest  little  thing, 

But  alas,  one  fatal  day, 

A  stranger  came  along  the  road, 

And  stole  little  Billy  away. 

That's  all  of  my  story,  stranger, 

Now  run  along  and  play, 

For    ril    find   the   bloat   that   got   my   goat. 

If  it  takes  till   Christmas  day. 


TO  CALIFORNIA  59 


THE  OLD  WALKING  BEAM 

The  toolie  bird  upon  the  beam  was  singing, 
And  the  toolie  on  the  forge  was  firmly  set; 
The  tools  within  the  hole  were    slowly    swinging, 
While  the  driller  stopped  to  make  a  cigarette. 

In  the  shade  of  the  old  walking  beam. 

You  could  hear  the  exhaust  of  the  steam; 

With  a  nose»that  is  blue, 

I'll  be  letting  down  screw, 

In  the  shade  of  the  old  walking  beam. 


Oh,  mother,  may  I  go  out  to  swim. 
Way  down  behind  the  willers, 
I'll  hang  my  clothes  on  a  hickory  limb, 
And  wont  go  near  the  drillers. 


60  FROM  PITHOLE 


My  sister  and  I  have  a  large  amount  of  money  between 
us.    She  is  in  Pennsylvania  and  Fm  here. 

I  think  there  is  nothing  so  sacred  as  the  matrimonial 
bonds  and  that  every  one  of  marriageable  age  should  get 
married.  What  an  av^ful  thing  it  v^ould  be  if  no  one  got 
married.    A  man  w^ouldn't  even  knov^  his  own  children. 

One  time  when  my  wife  was  sick  I  got  a  case  of  beer 
and  a  pound  of  limberger  cheese.  Next  morning  the  doctor 
came  and  when  I  opened  the  door  he  got  a  whiff  of  my 
breath  and  said,  "When  did  she  die?" 

"I  saw  the  American  soldiers  taking  Manilla." 

"That's  nothing,  I  saw  a  bunch  of  oil  men  taking  Peruna." 

"I  used  to  be  a  rough  rider." 
"Where?" 

"I  used  to  brake  on  the  narrow  guage  from  Foxburg  to 
Kane." 

"What  nationality  is  young  Johnson?" 
"Oh,  he's;  a  cross    between   a   white    woman    and    a    rig 
builder." 


TO  CALIFORNIA  61 


If  one  of  our  best  sailing  vessels  would  run  up  against 
a  schooner  she  would  sink,  and  one  day  down  at  Vincennes 
I  run  up  against  fifty  and  sunk  every  one  of  them. 

Some  people  cry  "hard  times."  I  say  things  are  picking 
up.  The  junk  buyer's  business  is  picking  up,  the  tool 
dresser's  business  is  picking  up;  you  can  even  make  money 
picking  up  chips  if  you  pick  up  enough  and  bet  on  the  right 
cards.  I  even  look  around  daytimes  to  see  what  I  can  pick 
up  coming  off  tower  at  night. 

When  Wilson  was  elected  he  offered  me  a  position  as 
brakeman  on  the  Panama  Canal  but  I  sent  in  a  resignation 
and  told  him  I  wanted  to  be  pork  inspector  in  Jerusalem. 

The  good  Book  says  the  lion  and  lamb  lie  down  together 
but  I  can't  find  any  place  where  the  lamb  ever  got  up. 

Did  you  ever  notice  how  our  lovely  young  ladies  dress? 
Sealskin,  pony  skin,  wolf  skin,  mink,  beaver,  fox  and  wild 
cat  skin,  while  poor  old  Mother  Eve  had  to  be  satisfied  in 
bear  skin. 


I  have  a  brother  who  started  out  to  be  Mayor  of  St.  Louis 
at  the  tender  age  of  17  years,  and  now  he  is  the  best  shoe 
maker  in  Jefferson  City,  and  he  and  Bryan  both  say  one  term 
is  enough. 


62  FROM  PITIJOLE 


One  time  a  lecturer  started  in  an  oil  town  to  make  an 
address.  He  said  "Ladies  and  Gentlemen  and  oil  people." 
That  is  as  far  as  he  got. 

A  Jew  over  at  Sandoval  told  a  fellow  that  he  had  just 
married  a  girl  from  Carlyle.  The  fellow  said,  "What  did 
you  marry  her  for;  every  tool  dresser  in  Carlyle  went  with 
her."    The  Jew  said,  "Veil,  Carlyle  aint  such  a  big  oil  field." 

A  tool  dresser  said  to  the  driller,  "I  saw  your  wife  at 
the  picture  show  last  night  and  I  believe  she  is  the  homliest 
woman  I  ever  saw."  The  driller  said,  "Don't  you  know  that 
beauty  is  only  skin  deep?"  The  toolie  said,  "Then  for  God's 
sake  skin  her." 

Do  you  believe  what  it  says  in  the  Bible  about  a  camel 
going  through  the  eye  of  a  needle?  Well,  you  know  my 
woman  weighs  200  pounds  and  I've  seen  her  go  through  my 
vest  pocket. 

I  asked  a  young  lady  why  she  called  her  dog  "Driller." 
She  said,  "Because  he  growls  at  everything  he  eats  and 
chases  everything  he  sees." 

If  the  driller  paid  his  wife's  board  would  the  tool 
dresser? 

I  went  into  a  restaurant.  I  said,  "Have  you  got  anything 
fit  for  a  hog  to  eat?"    He  said,  "Yes,  what  do  you  want." 


TO  CALIFORNIA  63 


I  used  to  rise  with  the  lark,  but  now  I  go  to  bed  with  too 
many  swallows  to  rise  with  the  lark. 

One  time  I  got  mad  at  a  sassy  kid;  I  said,  "There  is 
enough  brass  in  your  face  to  make  a  large  kettle."  He  said, 
"Yes,  and  there's  enough  sap  in  your  head  to  fill  it." 

"I  wouldn't  marry  the  best  man  I  ever  saw."  Every  girl 
says  that  but  you  still  see  safety  pins  in  the  show  cases. 

My  wife  calls  my  mother  "small  pox"  because  shie 
pittied  me. 

"Have  you  got  a  family  tree?" 
"No,  we've  got  Anheuser  Busch." 

I  took  my  girl  to  an  ice  cream  parlor  and  I  couldn't 
understand  how  a  kid  of  her  size  could  hold  so  much  ice 
cream.  When  I  got  home  I  took  down  an  old  arithmetic  and 
started  to  figure  it  out,  when  I  happened  to  blunder  on  to 
the  whole  secret.     It  said,  "One  gal.  equal  to  four  quarts." 


64  FROM  PiTUOLE 


THE  OIL  JOHNNYS  REPLY 

Some  Scissor  up  at  Lawrencevilie  has  been  to  big  expense. 
To  figure  out  a  post  card  called  "The  Scissor-bill  Defense;" 
He  says,  "They've  lived  for  fifty  years  right  here  in  Illinois," 
And  does  a  lot  of  "spoutin'  off"  for  those  old  scissor  boys ; 
He  seems  to  think  wt  left  our  homes  on  those  old  eastern 

hills, 
And  come  out  here  on  purpose  to  call  them  "scissor-bills." 

He  says  until  we  came  out  here  the  "scissor"  lived  in  peace, 
I  don't  know  what  they  lived  on  unless  'twas  corn  and  grease ; 
Of  course,  we  come  from  eastern  lands,  also  from  foreign 

climes. 
And  found  the  poor  old  scissor-bills  were  'way  behind  the 

times; 
And  then  we  went  to  drillin'  and  struck  the  lucky  pool. 
Which  paid  the  mortgage  on  the  farm  and  sent  their  kids 

to  school. 

We  came  out  here  from  New  York  State  and  West  Virginia's 

hills, 
For  a  chance  to  see  the  country  and  cop  out  the  "scissor- 
bills;" 
And  then  them  Pennsylvania  boys  he  speaks  of  in  his  song, 
Just  come  out  here  to  Illinois  and  brought  the  stork  along; 
The  Indiana  Gum-necks 'and  the  Yellow-hammer  lads. 
Have   left  a  lot  of  orphans   here  a-bawlin'   for  their   dads. 


TO  CALIFORNIA 65 

We  don't  say  nothing  of  our  wives,  because  our  wives  we 

trust; 
But  these  here  girls  in  Illinois  will  get  to  us  or  bust; 
We  tell  them  first  we're  single  until  we  start  the  flame, 
And   when  they   find   we're   married   they   love   us   just   the 

same ; 
He  says  we  ''come  to  get  their  dough,"  but  till  us  oil  boys 

come, 
Most  every  scissor-bill  was  broke  and  strictly  on  the  bum. 

And  when  we  put  them  on  their  feet  and  helped  them  out 

of  debt, 
And  dressed  them  up  in  tailored  suits,  this  is  the  thanks  we 

get; 
He  thinks  they  are  in  clover,  he  surely  is  a  goose. 
For   where   was   he   until   wc   came   and   turned   the   jackass 

loose? 
Of  course  we  hike  for  booze  and  fun  down  in  the  redlight 

slums. 
And  if  we  pay  the  scissor's  way  we  never  lack  for  chums. 

Now  when  our  well  at  last  goes  dry  and  the  tubing  taken 

out, 
I   don't  want  any  "scissor-bill"  a-taggin'  me  about, 
Because  if  seats  are  75  upon  that  golden  fence. 
He'll  try  to  Jew  St.  Peter  down  to  40  or  50  cents; 
And  when  I  get  to  Heaven  and  the  golden  throne  I  see. 
If  I  find  a  lot  of  ''scissor-bills"  'twill  make  it  hell  for  me. 


There  is  so  much  bad  in  the  worst  of  it,     • 

And  so  little  good  in  the  best  of  it, 

That  the  best  you  get  is  the  worst    of    it. 


66 


FROM  PITHOLE 


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TO  CALIFORNIA  67 


I  like  Bowling  Green  but  I  like  North  Balti-more. 

If  a  street  car  ran  into  Fostoria.  what  would  Tole-do? 

Drill  and  the  world  drills  with  you, 
Dress  tools  and  you  work  alone. 

A  young  lady  whose  name  was   Philura 
Fell  down  and  hurt  her  like  fura, 

She  says,  "Oh,  my  knee 

Is  just  awful  to  see," 
I  said,  "Well,  I'm  from  Missura." 

I  bought  a  watch.    It  was  a  patent  lever.    I  had  to  leav'er 
at  every  watch  shop  I  came  to. 

You  can  sing  anything  you  want  to  in  a  saloon  if  you 
let  the  bartender  accompany  you  on  the  cash  register. 

If  I  came  over  the  B.  &  O.  to  Sandoval  what  would  I.  C. ? 

If  a  woman  jumped  in  a  250-barrel  tank  would  the  oil 
saver. 


"Vill  your  shoes  go  in  my  trunk?" 
"No,  but  Sistersville." 


It  is  better  to  live  in  the  second  story  with  your  own 
wife  than  with  a  bawling  woman  in  a  bad  house. 


68  FROM  PITHOLE 


WILL  THERE  BE  ANY  STARS  IN  MY  CROWN 

'Mid  these  changeable  scenes,  on  these  old  Star  Machines, 

You  can  hear  it  abroad  or  in  town ; 
But  the  thing  that  I  dread  is  that  after  I'm  dead. 

Will  there  be  any  Stars  in  my  crown? 

Will  there  be  any  Stars,  any  Stars  in  my  crown? 

If  there  is  wont  you  please  take  'em  down; 
For  I  never  could  rest,  in  that  mansion  that's  blest. 

If  there  is  any  Stars  in  my  crown. 

On  that  last  final  day  when  they  lay  me  away. 
And  the  mourners  have  all  gathered  'round. 

It  would  sure  break  my  heart,  if  the  choir  chanced  to  start, 
"Will  There  Be  Any  Stars  in  My  Crown." 

Will  there  be  any  Stars,  any  Stars  in  my  crown? 

If  there  is  I'll  "go  back  and  sit  down; 
For  that  heavenly  dell,  will  just  simply  be  h — , 

If  there  is  any  Stars  in  my  crown. 


TO  CALIFORNIA  69 


A  boot-legger  was  arrested  in  Robinson,  with  a  suitcase 
full  of  whiskey.  The  judge  fined  him  $100.  They  searched 
him  and  found  only  $60.  The  judge  says,  **Give  him  his 
suit  case  and  turn  him  loose  for  an  hour  till  he  gets  the 
other  $40." 


*T  have  a  brother  in  Crawford  County,  Illinois,  who  had 
a  horse  run  away  with  him  and  he  was  kept  in  for  three 
weeks." 

"That's  nothing.  I've  got  a  brother  in  Clarion  County, 
Pennsylvania,  who  ran  av/ay  with  a. horse  three  years  ago, 
and  they  are  keeping  him  in  yet." 


A  tool  dresser  had  an  operation  performed  on  his  head. 
The  surgeon  took  out  his  brains  and  told  him  to  come  back 
the  next  day  and  have  them  put  back;  he  did  not  com 3.  One 
day  about  3  weeks  later  the  surgeon  met  him  on  the  street 
and  said,  "When  are  you  coming  after  those  brains?"  He 
replied,  "I  don't  need  them  now,  I've  gone  to  drilling." 


70 FROM   PITHOLE 

THE  TOOL  DRESSER 

The  tool  dresser  that  cometh  into  the  oil  field  is  small 

potatoes  and  few  in  a  hill. 
• 
He  goeth  forth   Monday  morning  dead  broke,   looking 
for  a  job;  and  cometh  into  town  Saturday  night  with  a  roll 
that  would  choke  a  cow. 

He  goeth  to  the  first  booze  joint  and  filleth  his  hide  with 
strong  drink;  and  lo,  he  is  full  even  as  a  goat.  He  setteth 
them  up  at  the  bar  many  times ;  and  yelleth  with  a  loud  voice 
that  he  will  not  go  home  till  morning.  And  when  he  goeth 
abroad  he  secth  the  cop ;  he  turns  and  runs,  yea  even  as  a 
steer  in  the  corn.  But  the  cop  overhauleth  him;  he  being 
easy  to  catch.  He  sleepeth  in  the  coop  over  night  and  waketh 
in  the  morning  with  a  strong  breath  and  a  weak  stomach. 

He  is  taken  before  the  wise  elders  who  imposeth  a  fine 
of  seven  sixty  and  costs. 

Blessed  are  the  tool  dressers,  for  they  shall  inherit  the 
earth. 


TO  CALIFORNIA  71 


I  came  out  of  a  saloon  in  St.  Louis  one  time  and  let  out 
a  yell  that  could  be  heard  for  a  mile.  A  cop  stepped  up  to 
a  telephone  pole  and  pushed  his  finger  against  it  and  up 
come  the  dandiest  automobile  I  ever  saw.  It  was  certainly 
a  peach.     I  was  just  simply  carried  away  with  it. 

One  time  I  met  a  preacher.    I  asked,  "How  is  your  wife?" 

She's  well,  thank  God." 

"How  are  the  children?" 

"They're  well,  thank  God." 

"How  is  your  wife's  mother?" 

"She's  dead,  thank  God." 

"Were  you  in  Texas  during  the  last  boom?" 
"No,  I  wasn't  Electra-cuted." 

The  first  night  my  wife  and  I  were  married  we  went  up 
to  the  room.  I  sat  down  on  the  edge  of  the  bed  while  my 
wife  was  getting  ready  to  retire.  She  took  out  one  eye,  then 
she  took  out  her  teeth,  then  she  took  ofif  her  hair,  then  she 
said,  "Dear  me,  I  am  so  tired  I  haven't  been  able  to  get  off 
my  feet  all  day."  I  jumped  up  and  said,  "For  God's  sake, 
do  they  come  off  too?" 


72 


FROM   PITHOLE 


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TC  CALIFORNIA  73 


There  was  a  fellow  up  at  the  boarding  house  last  night 
trying  on  overcoats.     I  guess  mine  must  have  fit  him. 


A  woman  is  the  greatest  traveler  of  the  present  time. 
Two  days  before  marriage  she  is  in  the  promised  land,  one 
day  before  marriage  she  is  in  the  Holy  Land,  the  day  she 
is  married  you  find  her  in  the  state  of  matrimony,  the  next 
two  weeks  she  is  in  the  honeymoon  and  the  next  week  she 
is  in  Reno  getting  a  divorce.    I  guess  that's  going  some. 


I  attended  a  party  recently  and  they  played  a  game 
v/here  the  one  that  made  the  worst  looking  face  got  a  prize. 
They  all  done  their  best  and  then  a  man  came  up  to  me  and 
said,  "Sir,  you  win  the  prize,"  and  I  wasn't  even  playing. 


My  boy  says  "Mama,  what  does  papa  play  when  he  takes 
a  long  pole,  rubs  some  chalk  on  the  end  of  it,  hists  up  one 
leg  and  pushes  some  balls  all  over  the  table  and  says  damn?" 


74  FROM  PITHOLE 


TWENTY   YEARS  AGO. 
(Parody) 

I've  been  out  to  the  country,  Tom,  in  my  old  two-wheeled 

Where  you  and  I  once  drilled  a  well  with  that  old  standard 

rig; 
There  was  no  one  there  to  greet  me,  Tom,  and  nothing  left 

to  show, 
That  worked  with  us  upon  the  lease,  just  twenty  years  ago. 

The  field  is  just  as  good,  Tom,  I  heard  the  pumper  say. 
The  same  old  well  is  pumping  yet,  it  makes  a  barrel  a  day; 
But  the  farm  boss  skipped  the  country,  Tom,  they  say  he 

had  to  blow. 
You  know  he  was  a  crooked  chap,  some  twenty  years  ago. 

The  boarding  house   is  altered   some,  the  kitchen  floor  re- 

,  placed 
With  new  boards  somewhat  like  the  old  our  boot  heels  once 

defaced; 
The  landlady  sits  in  the  same  old  chair,  her  hair  is  white  as 

snow, 
You  know  it  used  to  be  so  red,  just  twenty  years  ago. 

The  table  cloth  is  just  as  red,  the  table  just  as  long. 

The  prunes  are  in  the  same  old  dish  and  the  butter  just  as 

strong; 
And  sitting  down  to  eat  a  lunch,  dear  Tom  I  startel  so 
To  think  of  the  bean^  we  used  to  eat,  just  twenty  years  agi*. 

The  hired  girl  is  married  now,  another  fills  her  place. 
She  hasn't  got  as  nice  a  form,  but  prettier  in  the  face : 
She  waved  her  little  hand  at  me,  just  as  I  went  to  go. 
And  I  thought  of  the  kiss  I  used  to  get,  just  twent)^  years  ago. 


TO  CALIFORNIA 75 

Some  boys  were  drilling  another  well  upon  that  same  old 
scene, 

They  had  a  bran  new  fangled  thing,  'twas  called  a  Star  Ma- 
chine ; 

'Twas  worked  with  levers  from  the  front,  by  pulling  so  and 
so; 

It  wasn't  like  the  rig  we  used,  some  twenty  years  ago. 

You  know  those  country  girls  we  had,  I  forget  the  tall  one's 

name, 
I  passed  off  as  a  single  man,  and  so  did  you  the  same; 
But  when  our  wives  came  in  that  night,  the  stuff  was  off  you 

know, 
I  guess  they  had  us  going  some,  just  twenty  years  ago. 

Some  are  in  the  Kansas  field,  and  some  in  Tennessee, 
And  few  are  left  of  us  old  hicks,  excepting  you  and  me; 
But  when  our  well  is  measured  up,  and  we  are  called  to  go, 
I  hope  they'll  lay  us  where  we  drilled,  just  twenty  years  ago. 


77 


FROM  PITHOLE 


Robinson  House,  Tulsa,  Okla. 


The  driller  took 'a  green  toolie  out  Sunday  night.  They 
had  an  Oil  City  steam  guage,  with  the  glass  broke  out.  The 
driller,  supposing  him  to  be  an  old  hand  at  the  business, 
went  in  the  rig  and  laid  down  while  the  toolie  was  firing  up. 
The  driller  soon  fell  asleep  and  did  not  wake  up  till  three 
o'clock.  He  ran  to  the  boiler  and  the  guage  showed  thirty 
pounds.  "What,"  he  cries,  "only  thirty  pounds  of  steam?" 
The  toolie  says  "She  went  clear  around  to  Oil  City  and  I 
helped  her  over  the  peg  and  she's  going  around  again." 


TO  CALIFORNIA  77 


They  say  love  is  blind;  well  marriage  is  an  eye  opener. 

Marriage  is  a  baloon  that  takes  people  to  heaven.  Yes, 
and  divorce  is  a  parachute  that  brings  them  back  dov^n  again. 

Matches  may  be  made  in  heaven  but  I'll  bet  they  are 
dipped  down  below. 

I  couldn't  get  the  girl  I  wanted  so  I  got  the  girl  that 
wanted  me. 

We  boarded  at  a  place  where  they  had  a  very  small  baby. 
I  asked  an  old  driller  if  that  wasn't  the  smallest  baby  he  ever 
saw.  He  said  "No,  When  my  John  was  born  he  was  as  little 
as  two  of  him." 

Love  is  blind;  that  is  why  they  always  turn  out  the  gas. 

I  started  out  once  to  be  an  actor.  I  was  called  out  by 
three  prominent  men  the  first  week,  the  landlord,"  the  con- 
stable and  the  sheriff. 


78 


FROM  PITUOLE 


'Way  down  around  the  Ambraw  river, 

Away  from  all  the  noise, 

There  stands  a  little  old  blind  tiger — 

Tlut's  where  you'll  find  us  boys. 

T'lc  glasses  are  all  sour  and  beery 

Every  night  and  noon ; 

Oh,  mister,  how  it  makes  me  weary 

To  think  of  a  good  saloon. 

When    I    was    boarding    with    my    mother, 

'J  hen  I  could  buy; 

Now  I   have  to  pay  my  board  bill, 

That's  why  I'm  always  dry. 

All  up  and  down  the  street  I  wander, 

Wearing  out  my  shoes. 

Longing  for  a  nice,   cold  bottle; 

Or  for  a  drink  of  booze. 


TO  CALIFORNIA 7Q 

At  one  place  where  I  boarded,  the  lady  had  the  best 
butter  I  ever  saw.  It  let  you  know  it  was  on  the  table  the 
moment  you  entered  the  room.  I  asked  the  landlady  where 
she  kept  it.  She  said  she  carried  it  in  from  the  cellar  every 
day.  I  said,  "I  thought  it  walked  in."  She  said,  "It  can't 
very  well  walk  in  from  the  cellar  can  it?"  I  said,  "It  ought 
to  walk  in  from  the  country."  She  said,  "We  don't  get  it 
from  the  country,  my  daughter  churns  it  every  week."  I 
said,  "The  lazy  thing."  She  said,  "Who,  my  daughter?"  I 
said,  "No,  the  butter.  That  butter  is  strong  enough  to  churrl 
itself,  and  I  know  it  is  older  than  I  am."  She  said,  "How  do 
you  know  it  is  older  than  you  are?".  I  said,  Because  I  found 
gray  hairs  on  it." 

If  the  injector  stopped  working  would  the  donkey-pump? 

If  Odin  is  square  is  Sandoval? 

The  well  was  about  to  be  shot  and  as  they  were  lowering 
the  last  shell,  a  young  lady  ran  breathlessly  up  to  the  tool 
dresser  and  asked,  "Would  glycerine  kill  anybody?" 

He  said,  "No,  but  dynamite." 

If  Avant  took  a  piece  of  Bigheart  what  was  it  Skiatook? 

What  two  in  the  past  five  years  have  done  most  to  re- 
lieve the  suffering  of  mankind? 
Hack  &  Simon. 

"Did  you  have  good  luck  in  California?" 

"I  should  say  I  did;  I  came  back  on  the  train." 


80  FROM  PITUOLE 


When  I  was  in  Bartlesville  I  went  into  a  lady  barber 
shop  to  get  shaved.  That  was  the  first  female  joint  I  ever 
saw.  When  I  went  in  the  barber  was  sitting  on  a  fellow's 
lap. 

She  jumped  up  and  said,  "You're  next." 
I  said,  "I  know  it  and  I  know  who  I  am  next  too." 
She  said,  "Where  did  you  get  your  hair  cut?" 
I  said,  "On  my  head." 
She  said,  "Do  you  want  a  close  shave?" 
I  said,  "No,  I  just  had  one,  my  wife  passed  the  window 
and  didn't  look  in." 

I  gave  her  a  quarter,  she  handed  me  back  ten  cents  and 
before  I  thought  where  I  was  I  said  "Put  it  in  the  piano." 


When  I  was  in  Tulsa  I  went  down  to  the  depot  and  told 
the  agent  I  wanted  to  leave  town  the  worst  possible  way. 
He  said,  "Take  the  Midland  Valley." 


'         TO  CALIFORNIA     81 

A  tool  dresser  was  taking  his  mother  back  east  to  be 
buried.  The  train  ran  off  the  track  and  broke  the  baggage 
car  in  two  and  piled  everything  up.  The  conductor  came 
along  and  found  the  young  man  wringing  his  hands  and 
crying. 

''Are  you  hurt  very  bad,"  he  asked. 

"No"  answered  the  toolie,  "but  just  look  at  ma;  she  don't 
look  fit  to  go  to  hell." 

If  a  girl  married  a  wart  hog  would  their  children  be 
called  derrick  pigs? 

I  bought  a  watch  dog  for  my  wife  and  the  first  night 
when  I  came  home  he  took  after  me  and  we  went  round  and 
round.  Finally  after  he  had  my  clothes  nearly  torn  off  I  got 
a  rope  on  him.  I  took  him  back  to  the  old  fellow  I  bought 
him  from.  I  said,  "Didn't  you  used  to  have  this  dog?"  He 
said,  "Well,  I  did  about  half  of  the  time  and  the  other  half 
he  had  me." 


82  FROM   PITHOLE 


We  only  had  one  child.    My  wife  isn't  much  of  a  kidder. 

An  old  pipe  liner  was  coming  up  from  Oklahoma.  He 
was  sitting  behind  a  couple  of  school  ma'ams. 

One  asked,  "How  many  children  have  you?" 

She  said,  "Seventeen,  how  many  have  you?" 

She  said,  "Twenty-one." 

The  old  man  leaned  over  and  said,  "Excuse  me,  ladies' 
are  your  husbands  pumping  for  the  Ohio?" 

My  wife  put  some  bologna  in  the  kids'  lun:h  yesterday 
and  they  growled  all  night.  They  are  the  wurst  kids  I  ever 
saw.     In  fact,  my  wife  said  she  never  sausage  children. 

Girls,  don't  have  anything  to  do  with  the  oil  m^n.  They 
are  all  married  and  if  there  does  happen  to  be  a  single  one 
in  the  bunch  I'll  bet  some  one  has  let  him  out  to  double. 

If  I  was  a  nice  young  lady  I  wouldn't  marry  any  man, 
and   I   would  raise  my  daughters  to  hate  and   detest  them. 

One  of  the  casing  men  started  a  saloon  down  the  street. 
The  rest  of  the  gang  called  it  the  last  joint. 

"Were  you  at  Allendale  daring  the  boom?" 
"No,  the  train  was  15  minutes  late  and  it  was  all  over 
when  I  got  there." 

"Could  a  locust  go  from  St.  Louis  to  Oklahoma  over 
the  Frisco?" 

"No,  but  a  Katy-did." 


TO  CALIFORNIA 


83 


When  I  see  so  much  graft  and  grabbing  and  dishonesty 
in  the  world  today  my  mind  runs  back  to  George,  the  im- 
mortal Washington,  who  sharpened  up  his  little  hatchet  and 
sailed  in  to  hew  out  the  rig  timbers  for  this  glorious  republic 
where  we  now  board  for  six  dollars  a  week  and  prunes 
throwed  in.  Oh,  my  dear,  deluded  friends,  go  to  your  homes 
tonight  and  say,  "From  this  hour  forth,  I  will  be  honest." 
Pay  up  your  debts,  even  if  you  have  to  beat  your  grocery 
bill  to  do  it. 


84  FROM   PITHOLE 


My  father  got  rich  selling  tickest  at  the  moving  picture 
show.  When  a  man  came  up  to  buy  a  ticket  he  would  throw 
down  a  two  dollar  bill  or  a  five.  Father  would  blow  his 
breath  in  his  face  and  say,  "How  many?"  The  man  would 
say,  "Oh,  never  mind,  keep  the  change." 

When  I  went  through  to  California  we  stopped  at  Salt 
Lake  City.  We  went  through  the  Mormon  temple.  I  saw 
Brigham's  motto.     It  was,  "Go  it  while  you're  Young." 

You  can  say  what  you  like  about  whiskey.  I  believe  in 
putting  it  down  and  keeping  it  down,  and  I  don't  believe 
anyone  has  put  it  down  any  more  than  I  have  but  the  great 
trouble  with  me  is  I  can't  keep  it  down.  I  do  think  a  drink 
once  in  a  while  does  a  man  good  if  he  knows  when  to  stop. 
Now,  When  I  go  out  I  take  fifteen  or  twenty  drinks  and  then 
before  I  go  to  bed  I  take  thirty-five  or  forty  more,  so  you 
see  I  know  when  to  stop. 

A  couple  of  months  ago  I  got  run  down.  I  was  weak 
as  a  cat.  The  doctor  told  me  to  take  whiskey.  I  got  a  barrel 
of  whiskey  and  put  it  in  the  cellar.  I  couldn't  hardly  roll 
it  over.    Now  I  can  pick  it  up  and  throw  it  around  anywhere. 

When  I  was  courting  my  wife  I  didn't  have  the  nerve 
to  come  right  out  and  ask  her  to  marry  me  so  I  went  up  to 
the  telephone  office  and  called  up,  "Hello,  is  this  Miss  John- 
son?" She  answered  "Yes'  sir."  "Will  you  marry  me,"  I 
asked.    She  said,  "Yes,  who  is  it?" 


TO  CALIFORNIA 


85 


I  found  the  most  polite  people  I  ever  saw  in  Gushing, 
Oklahoma.  When  I  went  in  the  hotel  some  one  took  my  hat, 
another  took  my  overcoat,  another  took  my  overshoes  and  in 
less  than  half  an  hour  they  had  my  watch  and  pocket  book. 
The  landlord  says  when  Gabriel  blows  his  horn  he  will  wake 
up  many  a  sinner  in  Oklahoma.  I  said,  "Gabriel  never  will 
blow  his  horn  in  Oklahoma  for  somebody  from  Gushing  will 
steal  it  as  soon  as  he  crosses  the  Kansas  line. 


86 


FROM  PITHOLE 


Petroua,  Pa.^  in  1874, 


TO  CALIFORNIA  87 


Oh,  don't  you  remember  Sweet  Alice,  Ben  Bolt,  . 
Sweet  Alice  who  boarded  the  crew. 

Who  filled  all  our  buckets  with  punk  and   cold  beans, 
And  gave  all  the  good  things  to  you? 

In  the  old  boarding  house,  in  the  corner,  Ben  Bolt, 
Where  we  used  to  eat  fat  pork  and  pone, 
They  have  fitted  a  room  with  a  telephone  booth, 
And  Sv/eet  Alice,  she  answers  the  phone. 

Knock   and   the   world   knocks   with   you. 
Boost  and  you  boost  alone ; 
If  you  knock  good  and  loud. 
You  will   fi'^d   that  the   crovvd, 
i.as  a  hammer  as  big  as  your  own. 

The  eagle  soars  the  azure  sky, 

And  paves  his  way  to  fame; 

But  the  stork  keeps  down  close  to  the  ground, 

And  he  gets  there  just  the  same. 

*'John  Axe  married  a  widow  named  Wood." 
"Did  she  have  any  children?" 
''Yes,  a  couple  of  chips." 


88  FROM   PITHOLE 


One  time  on  a  train  an  Irishman  asked  me  to  join  his 
crowd  and  play  a  little  game  of  poker.  I  told  him  I  couldn't 
play.  He  asked  why.  I  told  him  I  had  several  reasons.  He 
asked  me  what  they  were.  I  said,  ''One  is  I  haven't  any 
money."    He  said,  "Then  to  H — 1  with  the  rest  of  them." 

The  tool  dresser  quit  one  morning  and  came  in  crying. 
He  told  the  contractor  the  driller  kicked  him.  "Where  did 
he  kick  you?"  "Right  between  the  Sampson  post  and  the 
dump  hole." 

One  time  a  kid  in  town  tiaded  me  a  bushel  of  apples  for 
one  of  my  books.  The  next  time  I  saw  him  I  said,  "Say, 
kid,  those  apples  were  rotten."    He  says,  "So  was  the  book." 

"The  cat  is  the  most  musical  animal,  in  fact,  they  are 
full  of  music." 

"How  do  you  make  that  out" 

"Oh  fiddlestrings !     That's  what  a  cats-gut." 

No  matter  what  the  tool  dresser  says,  everything  is  "all 
right"  with  the  driller, 


TO  CALIFORNIA 


89 


90 


FROM  PITHOLE 


Homestead  Well,  Pithole,  1865. 


TO  CALIFORNIA 91 

At  a  big  dinner  up  in  York  state  Parker  was  asked  to 
pass  the  cow.  But  they  didn't  have  to  ask  Teddy  to  spread 
the  bull  at  that  Chicago  convention. 

"I  slept  with  Bill  Jones  the  night  he  died." 
*'Did  anyone  know  you  did?" 
/'Sure,   Bill   was  dead   next  to  me." 

"She  doji't  look  like  a  bad  girl." 

"Well,  you  never  saw  a  buck  beer  sign  on  a  blind  tiger." 

My  father  killed  more  men  than  any  other  two  men  in 
the  civil  war.     He  was  the  company  doctor. 

When  I  married  my  wife  she  was  Helen  White.  And 
the  same   in  black. 

Some  famous  man  said,  "Give  me  a  lever  and  I'll  move 
the  world."  Give  me  two  pounds  of  beans  and  I'll  blow  up 
the  town. 

If  the  contractor  wanted  a  wife  could  the  rig-builder? 

"Illinois  has  more  fine  weather  and  less  rain  than  any 
other  state." 

"Yes,  but  Oklahoma  has  more  moonshine  and  less  sun- 
shine than  any  other  six  states." 

"What  nationality  is  Secretary  McAdoo?" 
"I  don't  know,  but  by  the  way  he  takes  to  young  women, 
^  cruess  he's  an  oil  man." 


92 


FROM  PITHOLE 


Broadway,  Avant,  Okla. 


Old  King-  Cole  couldn't  make  any  hole 
For  a  very  poor  driller  was  he; 

So  he  shut  the  mill  down  and  went  into  town 
And  g-ot  on  a  h —  of  a  spree. 


TO  CALIFORNIA  93 


THE  WILD  CAT  WELL 

Of  all  the  wells   I  ever  seen, 
With  a  standard  rig  or  a  Star  Machine, 
Or  a  Parkersburg  or  a  rig  and  reel, 
We  had  up  in  the  Patoka  field. 

I  will  not  tell  the  contractor's  name. 
But  you  bet  your  life  that  boy  was  game;, 
He  went  up  there  with  a  streak  of  rust, 
And  says,  "I'll  drill  her  in  or  bust." 

Well,  he  started  in  with  a  crew  of  men. 
And  his  appetite  and  a  fountain  pen; 
Then  set  it  to  running  day  and  night. 
Till  all  he  had  left  was  his  appetite. 

The   Bible  tells  of  the  patience  of  Job, 
And  his  troubles  reached  around  the  globe; 
But  the  Bible  doesn't  go  on  to  tell. 
That  Job  ever  drilled  a  wild  cat  well. 

And   it  says  old   Noah  stemmed  the  flood. 
And  kept  the  animals  chewing  their  cud; 
But  'twould  surely  paint  a  different  scene. 
If  they'd  changed  the  ark  for  a  Star  Machine. 

I'm  a  working  man  and  rather  rough. 
And   I   aint  much  versed   on  that  gospel   stuff. 
But  if  ever  a  man  keeps  out  of  hell. 
It's  the  one  that  drills  a  wild  cat  well. 


94 


FROM  PITUOLE 


As  the  President  of  the  United  States 

said  to  the  President  of  Mexico — 

"Cut  it  oat." 


THE  END. 


TO  CALIFORNIA 


95 


"    •  •  •  •  1  »      "      <  , 


Star  Portable  Drilling: 
Machine 


No.  30  or  4000-Foot 

Equipped  with  crane  and  hoist  for  removing  heavy 
parts,  60-ft.  derrick,  calf  and  shear  poles  for  pulling 
casing,  12  x  11  engine  and  same  size  and  weight  of 
tools  as  used  on  the  standard  rig.  Write  for  catalog 
and  prices. 

The  Star  Drilling  Machine  Co. 

Largest  Drilling  Machine  Manufacturers  in  the  World. 

Four  Big  Plants:   Arkon,  0.,  Chanute,  Kans., 
Portland,  Ore.,  Long  Beach,  Cal. 


^^ 


DEAR  READER:- 

During  the  Bridgeport  Fire  of  June  13, 
1913,  the  entire  collection  of  cuts  pertaining 
to  the  book  "Through  Ilunois  on  a  Star 
Machine"  was  burned;  and  as  I  have  had  so 
many  calls  for  it,  I  am  using  some  of  my 
former  poems  in  this  book. 

My  next  book  will  be  "Crude  Oil,"  two 
bits  a  bailer.  Everything  new.  Coming 
out  soon.     Watch  for  it. 

Thanking  you  for  past  favors  and  hoping 
to  please  you  in  the  future,  I  am 
Yours  Sincerely, 

Smith  Dalrymple. 


UNIVER8ITY  OP  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


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